It's after 3am, and i'm still awake. i had a wonderful conversation with Mistress yesterday. She really is amazing in every respect and i love having Her in my life. W/we agreed to meet this coming Tuesday, and She ordered my to wear my new latex underwear every day until then. Of course i'm obeying, and the fact that i LOVE the sensation of latex is making it easy to do so. Tonight, i attended a party at a friend's house, with a pair of my latex underwear and a pair or sheer black thigh-high stockings underneath my clothes. Now, laying here in bed, i have added a latex shirt that i bought at the same time as the underwear. It's such an amazing feeling, and of course, it has two major effects: first, the physical sensations of the latex and atockings are a huge turn-on, and second, it keeps Mistress Katya on my mind every second (which is a further turn-on). i can hardly wait to be at Mistress' feet again and feel the overwhelming rush of sensations and emotions that being in Her power brings. Being Her slave, being Her property, and submitting to Her every desire and whim is truly my proper place and function. i never thought i'd meet the Mistress who could make me really feel that and know that with all my being, but i have. i am Mistress Katya's. She owns me, and i am Her true property. It feels more right than anything i've ever known.

Two-parter

Tonight's post comes in two parts. The first part will be what's been going on over the last few days, and the second part will be an open letter to Mistress Katya.

The last week or so has been pretty interesting. i'm finally beginning to get used to the freedom that Mistress has allowed me the last few weeks...just in time for Mistress to take it away, which She has told me She is going to.

Things really started to get interesting on Friday night. After spending Christmas Eve with my family, i went to bed relatively early, at which point i promptly began to have a rather intense dream starring Mistress Katya, Her new Louboutin heels, and Her whips. It was vivid, intense, and marvelous!

The next day, i spent Christmas Day with my girlfriend's family. After which i went to bed at my regular time, and once again promptly had another dream starring Mistress Katya. This one was even more vivid, also involved Her new heels and me worshipping them.

Tonight, i was spending time with my girlfriend. She started playing with my nipples, and as wonderful as it was, i was wishing that my hands were bound behind my back, a ball gag in my mouth, and it was Mistress Katya who had me laying on my side and was playing with my most sensitive areas.

So, i suppose one could say that i have had Mistress on my mind a lot these past few days.

And now, part 2: the open letter to Mistress Katya.

My dearest Mistress Katya,

i hope that You know just how unique, special, and wonderful You are. You have come to mean a great deal to me - more than i ever would have thought possible. i love having You in my life. i love being Yours. i love everything about being Your slave and being owned by You, and i am more grateful than i can properly express for all of that.

You are something truly unique in the world. You are not the "stern, rigid, bitch" Dominatrix. You are strong, one of the strongest people i've ever known, but "stern" is not the word i would use for You. You know what You want, and You are strong and forceful, which is powerful. So powerful it is actually palpable when i am with You.

Your power and control are mesmerizing. You wield them with caring and nuance. You don't need to shout it. You don't even need to speak it. Without a word, it is obvious who is in control, who is the owner, who is to be obeyed. i never needed to be told that i was Yours, never needed to be told that You owned me. i never needed to be told to obey You, to worship You, or to adore You. All of those things are obvious and come naturally from Your innate power, beauty, and control.

i couldn't be happier than i am being Yours...and i am Yours, in every way. You command me with every glance, every whisper, and every touch. i am Yours, i obey You, and i worship You, even when W/we are apart. i will be Yours, forever if You wish.

i love having You in my life and i love that You have chosen to have me in Yours.

i know that "thank You" doesn't even begin to show how grateful i am for You, but here it is: thank You so much, for everthing You do and for everything You are.

A warning - this post may ramble on, or be off-topic. i just needed to let some thoughts and feelings out, and there's no one right now that can do that for me, so here i am.

More and more i have questions about myself. Am i a good person? Am i a good friend? Do i live up to the standards that i expect others to? More and more i don't know the answers t these questions.

Nothing i do seems to go particularly well. At least in the personal relationships realm. i don't know.

Well, it was good just to be able to let it out, even a little.

Wow.  Mentally, i'm still recovering from last night, and i suspect physically as well.

The session included piercing and heavier corporal than i had previously taken.

The piercing was intense, but very cool.  i was nervous about it, never having had it done before.  It definitely hurt a bit when the needles went in (and a bit, but less so, when they came out), but Mistress Katya was wonderful, explaining everything She was doing and putting me very much at ease.  i'm actually looking forward to more of it in the future, maybe with heavier gauge needles (note to MK - yes, You're creating a monster in many ways!).

The corporal was VERY intense.  Mistress used Her Hello Kitty cane (which is cute but PAINFUL), one of Her singletails, and a flogger of Hers.  She kept going until finally She broke me down and made me ask for mercy, which She granted.  It's still racing around in my head, but i think the purpose was two-fold: one, to make me acknowledge that although i want to be everything to Her as a slave and take anything She wishes to give, i do have limits to my tolerances, especially when it comes to pain; and two, to deepen the level of trust (which is VERY deep already) by showing that She will grant mercy when i am pushed beyond my tolerance.  Of course, interpreting Mistress' motives is a dangerous game, and i could be wrong in my interpretation.

Mistress Katya had a final surprise up Her sleeve though - i was sent home without being locked back into my chastity device.  Mistress said She wanted me to taste freedom, and also that She was feeling generous due to the season.  i don't know how long the freedom will last.  i DO know that Mistress intends to lock me back in at some point, and i fear that when that day comes, it will be like starting all over again, and i'll be subject to all the torments that i have been to date.

Mistress instructed me to release before going to bed last night, which i did.  She told me (although She didn't need to) that i should be thinking of Her when i did (i would have been thinking of Her even if She hadn't told me that).

It was a very bizarre mix of emotions and sensations.  It was an intense orgasm - as it has been every time since starting chastity.  i also knew that it was due to Mistress, and that the pleasure and all the sensations belonged to Her, and not to me.  That will be my reality for as long as She chooses to keep me as Her slave.  At the same time, there was a part of me that felt wrong doing it and having the freedom to do so without being under Mistress' watchful eye.  Chastity has become such an integral part of my life that to some degree having the freedom just felt wrong, even though i know it's what Mistress wanted.

So far, it has also been surprising.  i would have thought that having freedom would have meant that i would have wanted to release more often (since i had the ability to), and that i would have erections much more often (since erections were no longer prevented by the device).  So far, neither has been the case.  It's extremely interesting, and i guess i'll have to see what happens as some days go by.

i must say, Mistress Katya continues to surprise me, constantly teaching me new things about myself, introducing me to new sensations and new experiences, and deepening my trust in and admiration of Her.  There are times when i am overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude for the journey She is taking me on, and i wish there was a way i could express the depth of both my emotion and my gratitude so that Mistress could truly know how much She has affected me and how much She means to me.

i almost forgot, i had said at the start of this entry that i think i am still recovering physically as well as mentally.  With the intensity of the session and the pain levels, which were far greater than previous training, i slept late, and am physically drained today.  i'm pretty certain it's due to the intensity level of last night.

Today is a bit of a roller-coaster ride already (in a good way!).  Woke up this morning, after a very fitful sleep (see my previous post), which was, in addition to being fitful, also short.  i spent a lot of time tossing and turning, only was able to fall asleep around 2am, and woke up at 8.  My body and mind's struggles with the chastity device kicked into overdrive a few days ago, and it was particularly bad last night.

This morning i woke up testing the strength of the device yet again.  After laying in bed as motionless as i could for about an hour (when i wake up this way, my nipples and my skin are hypersensitive, and even the sheets brushing against them sets me off), i had finally calmed down enough to start my day.

A few short things on the computer for work and for another project, then a tidy-up downstairs, and then off to Starbucks for coffee and also to get a new bag of beans as the one i had at home was running low.

Just as i get back to the house, a sound comes from my phone.  i check it, and it is Mistress informing me "Tuesday evening, 8 pm...be there".  This, of course, sets off another round of device-testing and the associated hypersensitivity, which has yet to subside.  It's taking every ounce of self-control and discipline i possess right now to type this entry as intelligibly as i am.  i might have even skipped writing it, but i know how much Mistress Katya enjoys reading and knowing about my predicaments and torments...so this is for Her :)

Well, tonight was interesting.  i just spent the last 5 hours at my company's holiday party, and spent all of it with Mistress Katya on my mind.  i can't say that it's unusual, Mistress has been on my mind pretty much all the time for the last few days.  It's been a few days of less than normal amounts of sleep, as the effects of chastity have really kicked in lately.  As i noticed last time, when i am scheduled to see Mistress and then it is postponed, the chastity really kicks into overdrive.  This time i think i was able to handle myself better while on the phone with Mistress, but of course here i am telling Her through this journal that it's gotten really difficult since Thursday.  Having trouble falling asleep, tossing and turning, and waking up early, and straining against the device.  Let me say - this thing has gotten quite a workout and some heavy testing over the last 6 months and it has held up!

Here it is almost 1am and i am unable to fall asleep yet again.  Mistress' standing order when that happens is to write here, so i am. 

i continue to long to be at Her feet again, and the thoughts of whipping, caning, and needles have continued, and continued to give me chills - in the best possible way.  i am having a difficult time waiting for Mistress to take me to the next level, beyond what i've experienced in these areas.  i know it's going to be painful, but i also know it's going to be wonderful.

A dream that was so real

i just had an experience i haven't had in a while.  i went to bed early tonight, around 9 since i was exhausted.  i had a dream involving Mistress Katya that was so vivid and so real that i woke up covered in sweat and i wasn't even sure for a moment or two that it HAD been a dream.

Mistress had run a length of rope under the mattress, so She could have my hands tied above my head and at the other end of the rope my ankles tied together and i was stretched out and couldn't move much.  i was of course in my collar and also gagged and blindfolded.

Mistress started in on me with Her flogger as a warmup but quickly changed over to Her singletails.  Using them on my back, She ramped up the intensity until She finally broke the skin in a number of places.  All the while i was going deeper and deeper into subspace.

When She was satisfied with the whipping, Mistress brought out the needles and further attacked my back, all the while purring encouragement in my ear.  Everything was giving me chills down my spine and i felt like i was in another world.  When Mistress was done, She ran Her fingers gently over the ravaged skin of my back, and it was a good thing i was laying on my stomach because if i had been standing i would have swooned and lost control of my legs.

It was at that point that i woke up - covered in sweat and shaking from the intensity of the dream.

If anyone had told me 6 months ago that i would be dreaming about this, craving it, and anticipating it, i would have told them they were crazy.

But with Mistress Katya, it's natural, and wanting it seems like the most logical, natural thing in the world.  That's what She does for me, and She is really leading me on a wonderful journey that not one other person in the world could have led me on - i thank Her from the bottom of my heart for that.