So, today, things are a little worse. Last night, Mistress Katya and i scheduled to see each other on Thursday, and today, i am having quite a difficult time, both straining against my device (one would think that by now, my body and mind would have accepted the fact that my erections, pleasure, and release no longer belong to me), but also in the fact that Mistress is on my mind all the time.
Mistress has recently mentioned some areas She wishes to explore that are more in the sadistic arena, and i find myself really wanting to go there. It's been a while since She has tailored one of O/our sessions around pain, and i must admit that the thought of Her cane, Her whips, and Her floggers have me craving them. There has also been talk of sounds and needles...neither of which i have experienced before but both of which i am finding extremely intriguing...especially the thought of seeing the pleasure in Mistress Katya's face as She inflicts them on me. i never thought i'd be craving pain, but Her way of administering it to me makes it a transcendental experience, and being there for Her desires in this realm is just another proof that Mistress Katya is the most perfect Mistress i could ever ask for, and She has captured me completely. i am Hers, in every way :)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Tonight's post has 2 parts, and each will be distinct in its content and flavor.
Part 1 - my condition
It has been almost 3 weeks since my last session with Mistress Katya, and this past weekend was more difficult than usual chastity-wise. It was the last weekend of the show i was doing, and there was one particular young woman in the show, with whom i got along famously (and that's not sarcastic, we actually do get along incredibly well), who also happens to be stunningly beautiful, and dresses in such a way as to stoke many of my fetishes and desires - stiletto heels, stockings, and skirts - this is her everyday wardrobe, not her costume. She has also taken to using a spot in the dressing room next to mine, and changing into her costume, which starts with stripping down to a bodystocking and then putting on a corset. i would imagine anyone reading this who knows me would have quite a good idea of the effects all of this would have on me. So there has been some extra straining against the device this weekend, and in fact, it continues right now as i write this and the images reappear in my mind's eye. i'm just glad that my device is silicone rubber and not hard plastic - i'd be in some serious pain right now if it were acrylic.
Part 2 - reflections on a holiday
This past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Having had a wonderful evening having dinner with Mistress Katya on Tuesday, i had particular reason for reflection at Thanksgiving this year. i'm thankful for many things, but i'll skip the usual (read: mundane) ones and focus here on the relevant one. i am thankful for Mistress Katya. Words cannot properly express exactly how i feel. She is wonderful, and back in June when i had told Her that i wanted something deeper than i had experienced in the scene thus far, i had no idea that it was to blossom into a journey and a relationship that is truly beyond my imagination and beyond what i could have asked for. She is my Mistress, my friend, my confidant, and my guide. i am safe with Her, and that is a wondrous feeling. Even when She is tormenting me or indulging Her more sadistic side, i know i am safe, even though i may be in pain. There is nothing - no exaggeration, nothing - that She could ask of me that i would refuse. i am thankful to have Her in my life, and i have, and will continue, to make sure She knows this 365 days a year and not just on Thanksgiving.
Part 1 - my condition
It has been almost 3 weeks since my last session with Mistress Katya, and this past weekend was more difficult than usual chastity-wise. It was the last weekend of the show i was doing, and there was one particular young woman in the show, with whom i got along famously (and that's not sarcastic, we actually do get along incredibly well), who also happens to be stunningly beautiful, and dresses in such a way as to stoke many of my fetishes and desires - stiletto heels, stockings, and skirts - this is her everyday wardrobe, not her costume. She has also taken to using a spot in the dressing room next to mine, and changing into her costume, which starts with stripping down to a bodystocking and then putting on a corset. i would imagine anyone reading this who knows me would have quite a good idea of the effects all of this would have on me. So there has been some extra straining against the device this weekend, and in fact, it continues right now as i write this and the images reappear in my mind's eye. i'm just glad that my device is silicone rubber and not hard plastic - i'd be in some serious pain right now if it were acrylic.
Part 2 - reflections on a holiday
This past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Having had a wonderful evening having dinner with Mistress Katya on Tuesday, i had particular reason for reflection at Thanksgiving this year. i'm thankful for many things, but i'll skip the usual (read: mundane) ones and focus here on the relevant one. i am thankful for Mistress Katya. Words cannot properly express exactly how i feel. She is wonderful, and back in June when i had told Her that i wanted something deeper than i had experienced in the scene thus far, i had no idea that it was to blossom into a journey and a relationship that is truly beyond my imagination and beyond what i could have asked for. She is my Mistress, my friend, my confidant, and my guide. i am safe with Her, and that is a wondrous feeling. Even when She is tormenting me or indulging Her more sadistic side, i know i am safe, even though i may be in pain. There is nothing - no exaggeration, nothing - that She could ask of me that i would refuse. i am thankful to have Her in my life, and i have, and will continue, to make sure She knows this 365 days a year and not just on Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Update to my last post
Knowing of the phenomenon (increased longing, straining, and hypersensitivity when a scheduled meeting is postponed) does not alleviate the symptoms nor does it make them easier to endure.
It's been very difficult to concentrate today, and tonight's rehearsal should be, at the very least, an interesting (and most probably trying) experience. Especially since one particular actress in the show (we're not working with costumes yet) has a personal style that involves wearing marvelous dresses and/or skirts along with stockings and heels. i know it's not the case because she's always dressed that way but it's as if she knew my weaknesses and also my chastity situation and enjoys tormenting me almost as much as Mistress Katya does.
It's been very difficult to concentrate today, and tonight's rehearsal should be, at the very least, an interesting (and most probably trying) experience. Especially since one particular actress in the show (we're not working with costumes yet) has a personal style that involves wearing marvelous dresses and/or skirts along with stockings and heels. i know it's not the case because she's always dressed that way but it's as if she knew my weaknesses and also my chastity situation and enjoys tormenting me almost as much as Mistress Katya does.
An interesting phenomenon
i've discovered an interesting phenomenon this week. i was originally supposed to see Mistress Katya on Monday night, but She had to reschedule. Of course, i completely understand and agree that She needs to take care of the things in Her life that She needs to.
This is (i think) the third time in O/our time together that Mistress has had to reschedule (all for completely legitimate reasons), and this time i noticed something. i can be going along fine in chastity for weeks at a time, but if i am supposed to meet with Mistress, and then it is postponed, that's when the straining, longing, and hypersensitivity go off the charts. It's only this time around that i noticed the pattern (yes, that means that the straining, longing, and hypersensitivity are here right now!).
Maybe now that i recognize the pattern, i'll be able to handle it better? i'm not sure, but i'm going to give it a shot. At the same time, just because i've had a realization doesn't mean that i'm not longing to see Mistress Katya (which is scheduled to happen tomorrow). i am longing, very much. i love being at Her feet, in Her complete control, being helpless before Her. It's a kind of mental and emotional freedom to place yourself totally in the hands of someone you trust 1000% (yes, that's a thousand percent, it's not a typo) that i can't even describe properly - it has to be experienced. Yet another in a long list of reasons i am grateful, and always will be, for Mistress Katya.
This is (i think) the third time in O/our time together that Mistress has had to reschedule (all for completely legitimate reasons), and this time i noticed something. i can be going along fine in chastity for weeks at a time, but if i am supposed to meet with Mistress, and then it is postponed, that's when the straining, longing, and hypersensitivity go off the charts. It's only this time around that i noticed the pattern (yes, that means that the straining, longing, and hypersensitivity are here right now!).
Maybe now that i recognize the pattern, i'll be able to handle it better? i'm not sure, but i'm going to give it a shot. At the same time, just because i've had a realization doesn't mean that i'm not longing to see Mistress Katya (which is scheduled to happen tomorrow). i am longing, very much. i love being at Her feet, in Her complete control, being helpless before Her. It's a kind of mental and emotional freedom to place yourself totally in the hands of someone you trust 1000% (yes, that's a thousand percent, it's not a typo) that i can't even describe properly - it has to be experienced. Yet another in a long list of reasons i am grateful, and always will be, for Mistress Katya.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
i haven't been sleeping particularly well for the last week. i don't think it's directly related to my chastity, but the fact is it's there.
i know that i miss Mistress Katya even though it's only been a little over a week. i know that i'm hoping to be allowed to see Her very soon.
On the plus side, my tiredness and fatigue has minimized the amount that i've been straining against my chastity. When i say "straining", i mean physically, and that's involuntary. i don't decide to struggle against it - my body just does, on its own.
Everything is still teaching me a great deal about myself. This journal is aptly named - it really is a Journey. For that, i will always be grateful. For Mistress Katya most of all. None of it would have happened without Her, Her wisdom, Her patience, and Her guidance.
On that note, i'm going to try to get some sleep tonight.
i know that i miss Mistress Katya even though it's only been a little over a week. i know that i'm hoping to be allowed to see Her very soon.
On the plus side, my tiredness and fatigue has minimized the amount that i've been straining against my chastity. When i say "straining", i mean physically, and that's involuntary. i don't decide to struggle against it - my body just does, on its own.
Everything is still teaching me a great deal about myself. This journal is aptly named - it really is a Journey. For that, i will always be grateful. For Mistress Katya most of all. None of it would have happened without Her, Her wisdom, Her patience, and Her guidance.
On that note, i'm going to try to get some sleep tonight.
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