Torment, day 3

i don't know how readable this post is going to be, i'm a bit sleep-deprived and distracted.  After another fitful night where i only slept for about 4 hours i woke up at 6am writhing straining against my chastity device and with every nerve ending on overload.  The only reason i'm even coherent enough to write is that i spent 2 hours in meditation which calmed me down a lot.  i needed to do something to get myself under control.  It really felt like over the last 3 days i was spinning out of control and it was starting to get a little scary.  The meditation helped a LOT.  i'm still on edge, at least as far as my nerve endings go but at least i can function.  It also helped that the actress who has been such a turn-on for me was not at rehearsal last night.  Mistress Katya has decided that i must wait until Sunday evening to see Her, and so i'll have to use everything i know to hold out until then.  i'm thinking a LOT of meditation and cold showers!  i really thought i was going to go over the edge early this morning and if the meditation hadn't helped i don't know what i would have done.  Thank God it did.  One final thought: although the last 3 days have been absolute torment, i wouldn't trade it for the world.  i know it pleases Mistress and the feeling of being in Her control and knowing my torment pleases Her and is what She wants is even more overwhelming than the torment itself.  Thank You, Mistress Katya, from the bottom of my heart.

Whimper

It didn't get any better.  i wasn't able to get Mistress out of my mind or to stop the arousal before having to leave for rehearsal last night.  And then it got worse.  The actress i have formerly mentioned in older posts was in attendance again, and this time it was as if she were intentionally trying to drive me crazy.  She was wearing what must have been 5" spike heels, skin-tight black leggings, and a minidress that barely came down below her behind.  As we sat next to each other and talked, my cock was raging in its silicone prison.  It doesn't help that she is a redhead (dyed, but still), and that, of course, reminds me of Mistress Katya.  So it's a double-whammy, mentally.  i haven't slept well the last 2 nights because of the constant arousal either.  i should clarify some.  It's not constant, 24 hours a day, every single minute.  There are times when the arousal goes away for a few minutes - and when i say a few minutes, that's exactly what i mean - maybe 5 or 10 minutes, and then it's back.  i'm on edge all the waking day, and i toss and turn in bed at night.  Especially at night, when one of the 5 or 10 minute breaks comes, i think "oh, thank God, it's over..." and then it comes back, and i'm reduced to whimpering, wondering how long this torment will last.  Today's the second day, and it's bad.  Really bad.  But you know what the worst (and most messed-up) part of it is?

i want it.  i crave it.  i LOVE being in Mistress' control and being tormented like this, even when i am not physically in Her presence.  i adore Her and the torture i am going through at Her pleasure.  i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

But - i'm also approaching a breaking point - and i may beg Mistress for release soon.  If this doesn't stop on its own in the next day or so, i'll be a useless, whimpering, quivering mass of jelly.  What scares me to the core and sends chills down my spine, though, is the knowledge that, despite it all, i would (and will) endure it as long as Mistress Katya wants me to.  i could not bear the thought of disappointing Her, and if it is Her desire to see me suffering, even to the extreme, i would have no choice but to continue to offer Her the gift of my torment.

That's my dilemna.

Wow.  Just a quick update to say that today is getting ridiculous.  i CANNOT stop thinking about Mistress, and i have been straining hard against my chastity device since i woke up this morning.  i don't know what i'm going to do - i need to be able to concentrate, otherwise i have no idea how i'm going to make it through rehearsal tonight.  Today's the worst day in that regard since i began chastity with Mistress.  It's been 8 hours since i woke up and there's no sign of relief.

Did more training with the largest butt plug today, had it in for about an hour.  It still hurts some going in and coming out, when i get to the widest point.  But it's getting there, hopefully with a little training every day i'll soon be where Mistress wants me to be.

Every day this journey brings a little surprise.  This weekend, i did a shoot on Sunday for an indie film a friend is making.  i was playing the role of a doctor, in full surgical getup.  This included latex gloves - my first experience with wearing any kind of latex.  i totally understand now why Mistress Katya loves it so much!  The sensations are hard to describe, but suffice to say it was a totally pleasurable experience!

i'm also progressing with my anal training.  i'm only using the largest plug Mistress gave me now, and i'm using it for at least an hour each day.

The thought came into my head this morning that Mistress Katya is turning me into quite Her little slut - i'm enjoying Her chastity control of me, i'm finding the anal training is becoming a pleasurable experience, and i'm coming to crave Her canes and whips.  i wear panties and stockings every day at Her request and i love it!  Honestly, i'm loving being trained and transformed into Mistress Katya's perfect ideal of a slave.  The deeper i go into this journey, the more i realize that giving complete control to a wonderful Mistress is exactly what i've wanted for so very long.  It was what was missing from my life.  Mistress Katya having such powerful and pervasive control over so many aspects of me and my life is so far beyond the cookie-cutter "sessions" i'd encountered in my previous experiences in BDSM, and it's so much more intense and meaningful.  To really be Hers, to know that She owns me and controls me, to have reminders of Her control every day (every hour, really!) throughout the day, even when i'm doing the most basic, pedestrian things, is a mind-blowing experience.

Each experience makes me want the transformation even more.  i want to be the slave that Mistress Katya can use in any way that pleases Her.  If She needs to beat someone, i will be Her target.  If She needs service, i will serve Her.  If She needs anything in the world, i will be there for Her.  i don't say things like this lightly, and it takes quite a bit for someone to affect me in the way Mistress Katya has.  But She has, and it has been, and continues to be, the best journey i've ever been on.  i adore my Mistress and Owner, and will do everything in my power to please Her, be pleasing to Her, contribute to Her happiness, and continually show Her how grateful i am for Her.

Oh my God!  Today has been incredible so far!  The sensations of the chastity device, large butt plug (i've had it in for about 4 hours now), panties, and stockings are driving me wild!  The combination has me straining against the chastity device, and my nipples could cut glass, they're so hard.  The sensation of being filled in the rear and being held in in the front, when put together, are an amazing combination.  The only thing that could make this better right now is if i were on my knees worshipping Mistress' feet and legs.  It's been less than a week, but if these sensations continue i'm going to have to beg to see Her.

i'm not sure what to make of today and the last 12 hours.  i didn't sleep well last night.  i had disturbing dreams, which made for a very fitful night.  i probably should have written earlier this morning, because now the contents of the dreams are gone, but i know they were disturbing and not pleasant.  i haven't had a night like that in quite some time.

Rehearsal last night was torment again.  The first actress i had mentioned in this journal was there again, and we talked quite a bit.  Once again, she was wearing a skirt, stockings, and spike heels.  The way she dresses (it's always classy, not trashy), the way she talks, and her personality are huge turn-ons for me.  Being in stockings, panties, and the chastity device only add to my excitement, so when i'm sitting next to her talking with her, it's a good thing i'm in the device, otherwise i'd have a very embarrassing moment when i had to stand up to do my scenes!

This morning, i reached a milestone.  i got my courage up, and attempted to insert the largest of the butt plugs that Mistress Katya had given me to train with.  With much patience, taking it easy, and my mind in control, willing my muscles to relax, i was able to insert it fully!  There was a bit of pain when the widest part was going in, but it wasn't too bad, and i was able to breathe through it, and then the plug narrows after that.  i was really hoping i would be able to do it today, because i know that Mistress wants me to be more ready for Her when She wants to use Her strap-on.  i want so badly to give Her everything She wants, and be a slave that is everything She wants a slave to be.

So far, this week has been very interesting.  On Sunday, Mistress gave me a set of butt plugs to begin training myself with, so that once accustomed to it, She will be able to use Her strap-on on me without too much pain.  i was exhausted after O/our training on Sunday, so i began on Monday.  If i thought that the sensations of being in Her chastity device 24/7 were intense, i didn't know anything.  It's much more intense being in the chastity device, and having one of the plugs inserted at the same time.  My entire lower body is constantly reminded that i belong to Mistress Katya and She controls me.  Between the chastity device, the butt plug, panties, and stockings (Mistress is having me wear panties and stockings instead of male underwear), i've got sensations going on all over the place, and at times, it's overwhelming...but it's incredible at the same time.  The stockings especially are having quite an effect on me.  They feel sooooo good.  i find myself rubbing my legs together or caressing them with my hands at times just because it feels so good.  It's definitely affecting my feminine side.  Honestly, i don't know why more women don't wear stockings all the time since they feel so damn good!

The butt plug is definitely a new experience for me, but not an unpleasant one.  Right now, i can have it in for a few hours at a time.  i'm using the middle sized one.  The large one, at its largest point, is about 75% bigger than the one i'm using now...so i'm not sure how long it's going to take to work up to that one.  i'm hoping to give it a shot in the next few days.  i have no idea whether or not i'll be able to take it yet, but i'm going to try.

i got really turned on at rehearsal again last night.  There's a woman there who i think is flirting with me - of course, i'm absolutely terrible at being able to accurately judge these things, and i also think that she has a boyfriend, so i may very well be wrong.  Or perhaps it may be all my new sensations (chastity, stockings, etc.) that are fooling my mind.  But Julie (that's her name) is paired up with me in a couple of points through the show, and she's definitely causing some arousal and straining against the device!

Mistress Katya continues to amaze me, all the time.  Last night we met, and She showed me the new Hello Kitty cane She had made and intended on using on me.  As far as pain goes, the cane is probably one of my most feared implements.  i can't say why, but for me it hurts more than just about anything else.  It gives Mistress much joy to use it, though, and that is reason enough for me to endure anything She inflicts on me.

Mistress also had me massage Her feet and polish Her latex outfit (both of which are almost staples of our meetings at this point - and both of which i think are mutually enjoyable for Mistress and me).

Then, she informed me that She was going to introduce me to fire and wax play.  Now, i will admit, that i was a bit apprehensive about wax, as the last time i had made a foray into "the scene" a few years ago, i had a bad experience in wax play with an inexperienced Mistress, which left me with second-degree burns on my lower back.  Everything healed and there is no permanent damage, other than some discoloration of the skin, which at this point will likely be permanent.  So, i was a bit nervous about wax.

However, Mistress Katya, being as awesome and wonderful as She is, knew how to put me at ease, even before i had told Her of my previous bad experience.  It's further confirmation (not that i needed any) that i have not made a mistake by having absolute trust in Her.  i know it's going to sound odd, but She makes me feel safe and cared for, even when She's abusing me - it's quite a talent, and one i've not come across before.  She really is something special.

Once Mistress was done with that, She bound me on the bed for a caning with the new HK cane, and also to use one of Her whips on me (it's the second time She's used that whip, and i'm still not sure what the proper name for it is).  It was painful, but i have come to want Mistress' corporal punishment, and i KNOW that She enjoys it.  A big smile comes over Her face, Her eyes light up, and one can hear it in Her voice - She's really into it, and it means a lot that i can give Her something in my submission that She enjoys so much.

Then it came to the big question of the night.  Was i to release, or was i to go back into chastity without a release?  Mistress lay down next to me on the bed, and whispering in my ear, said that She was going to reward me...and that reward meant going back into chastity without release.

That may sound counterintuitive - but i have come to learn from personal experience that NOT having a release is actually more merciful than having one.  When in chastity, if you are granted a release and then put back into chastity, what happens is that your body thinks "hey, that whole thing is over!", and it takes at least a week for the subconscious to realize that no, the chastity is still there.  During that week, all the straining, all the sleeplessness, and all the dreams are back with a vengeance.  So, once you've started chastity, it really is more merciful to be denied a release.

Afterwards, we chatted a bit.  i have to say, Mistress Katya is just as amazing as a person as She is as a Mistress, and i would walk through fire for Her.

Holy crap! i woke up this morning throbbing, and it was made 10 times worse when i checked my phone and saw a new post on twitter from Mistress, who apparently has a new toy and intends on using it on me tonight. i don't know what it is, and i'm sure Mistress wouldn't tell me even if i begged Her.

It's already amazing and humbling, and i feel so honored whenever Mistress posts something related to me. It sends chills down my spine (in the best possible way). When She posts something like She did today, it pretty much pushes me over the edge! On these days it's a very good thing She has me in chastity...i'm not sure i'd have the willpower if i were still on the honor system. i'd do my best, of course. i never, ever want to disobey or disappoint Mistress. To see a look of disappointment in Her eyes would crush me. i'm just not sure i'd be strong enough. Naturally, Mistress has made it unnecessary, amd by being locked in i have no choice! Being in the control of someone as wonderful as Mistress Katya is, i now realize, what i've always wanted, and i feel that more each day. I want to have no choice, to be in Her power every minute of every day, even when She is not physically present. It's an intense and powerful feeling, almost overwhelming at times.

But it's also an amazing feeling, and it's beyond doubt that Mistress Katya is the one who, with Her power, caring, and every wonderful attribute, deserves, and will always have, this power and control.

i'm updating as promised, even though the session didn't happen. Mistress Katya called and rescheduled. Of course it was because She wasn't feeling well, and Her health, well-being, and enjoyment comes first. And the fact that i would do anything for Her.

That's not why i'm posting, though. i had a very interesting night. As the day went on, my sexual arousement grew. Later, a very interesting and confusing thing happened. At the same time that i was feeling masculine arousal, all of a sudden i had a very feminine feeling come over me caused by the panties and stockings i was wearing. i can't explain it...i've been wearing panties and stockings for a few weeks now at Mistress Katya's instruction. i've never had this feeling occur before. It was strange and exquisite at the same time. i'll have to talk to Mistress about it.

i'm not going to beg...i'm not going to beg...i'm not going to beg...

Yes, that's me repeating my mantra...as the hours pass and my meeting with Mistress Katya comes closer (less than 7 hours to go!) i'm becoming more and more aroused - at least as far as the device will let me - and more and more distracted.  i can't wait to see Her, and can't wait to find out what She has in store for me tonight.  i find myself daydreaming of Her, and i may need to take a break from work just to clear my head and be able to get some things done this afternoon.

i don't want to beg, because it's not yet at the point where i absolutely can't take it anymore.  That is when Mistress said i should beg, and not before.  Right now, it's just hugely arousing and distracting, but i can still handle it at this level (i think!  i hope!).

More news later after seeing Mistress!

i promised an update after the dance rehearsal tonight, and here it is!

Let me just start by saying it's a really good thing that i wore tight panties that kept the chastity device from moving around all over the place.  Both for comfort, and also because having the device flop around all over the place will make it more noticeable as well.

It was OK, i didn't have any issues with it being uncomfortable.  i still have issues with being self-conscious about it in certain circumstances, and this was definitely one of them.  i don't know if i'm ever going to be completely free of being self-conscious about the device...but i don't know that i would even want to become that complacent about it.

One of the lead girls was there tonight, and she was wearing a short skirt, stockings, and spike heels...she wasn't doing much during the rehearsal, but that's exactly the kind of outfit that gets me going, and hers was no exception (she's quite attractive as well).  There were moments tonight (especially when i was sitting there talking to her) when the only thing that kept me from having a full-on erection was the chastity device.

i'm really looking forward to seeing Mistress Katya tomorrow night.  She is on my mind constantly - yes, even when i was talking with the young woman at rehearsal Mistress was in my mind and that only added to the excitement and frustration.  i kept wondering what this actress would think if she knew that i was the owned property of a Mistress, and that i was kept locked in chastity.  She probably would have had a good laugh at my expense.

Just a quick update for now - have not been able to stop thinking about Mistress the entire afternoon, and so i'm also straining big-time against the device.  Such are the joys of being owned and locked in!

Tonight should be interesting, it's the first dance rehearsal for the show i'm rehearsing.  Lots of movement, etc. up on the stage, this should be a new experience with the chastity device.  Will update later as to how it went!

One last thing for tonight and then i must close my eyes.

i know that right now, Mistress is the only one reading this, but in case She decides to make this journal public, i am stating this for the record:

i adore my Mistress. She is wonderful to me, andnbefore meeting Her, i had pretty much given up hope in "the scene". Mistress Katya has renewed my faith, and for that and so many things i can't even keep count, i adore Her and will always strive to honor Her, please Her, and make sure She knows just how grateful i am for Her.

Holy moly...if i'm going to post at all tonight it has to be right now because i'm developing a splitting headache and i'm going to turn off the lights and lay down.

However, i must say this: the desires, both in the mornings and during the day, have come back with a vengeance.  And i had the first vivid erotic dream in almost a week, which involved being in Mistress Katya's bondage for a whole day, and being left there as She went about Her business, stopping in every once in a while to play with and torment me at Her whims.  As intense as the dream was, and as vivid and realistic as it was, i'm not sure i could handle a full day in bondage in real life.

i'm seeing Mistress on Wednesday, and i'm really looking forward to it.  Each time i see Her, the anticipation and longing grows a little bit more during the time before the next session.  i wonder how long it can keep growing and growing.  i have a feeling i'm going to find out.

i promised an update today, and here it is...after a week of being a little ill and generally feeling not so hot, this morning i woke up OK, and sexual desire was back and announced itself as a big old attempt at a morning erection!

Of course, we all know that's impossible in my current situation, but it didn't stop my body from trying!  A weaker device might have given up the ghost this morning, but not the chastity device chosen by Mistress.  i could practically hear it laughing at me (i definitely heard Her laughing!).

Things quieted down a bit after an hour or so, but we seem to be returning to normal and i expect that the desires will continue now that i'm over my bout with whatever little bug that was this past week.

OK...staying in was not a good idea. i'm hoping this is a passing thing and that when i wake up tomorrow, this mild depression is gone, but for tonight, it's here. I've been trying to distract myself, i watched a movie and even tried to get some writing done (which was partially successful) but right now i'm bored and i'm down. I think the best thing i can do is try to sleep, and that's exactly what i'm going to try and do. i'll update in the morning as to how i feel after a night's sleep.

This may a bit off-topic, but since i am not a psychologist and therefore can't say with any authority that my mood is not due in any part to the chastity regimen, so be it.

i'm in a bit of a melancholy mood today, just reflecting on many things.  i wasn't feeling well for a few days this week (the fever came back on Wednesday and Thursday, but it's gone now), so i haven't done anything social at all this week and i think that's a major reason i'm a little blue and a little lonely.  Add in the fact that over the last few months i've had a few bad experiences with some people who called themselves my "friends", and i'm still dealing with the self-doubt over who to trust and who not to.

It's not all that serious, and the mood will probably be gone by tomorrow, but such is today.

An interesting evening!

Tonight was interesting all around.  It started with me planning on leaving the house at 6:15, but getting a call from work and not being able to leave until after 6:30.  Mind you, i had a rehearsal tonight that started at 7.

Then, during the drive to rehearsal, i called Mistress Katya (She had instructed me to call Her after 6pm tonight).  Every time i speak with Mistress, or see Her, or get an email from Her, or a Twitter message, i am more and more entranced by Her.  She truly is an amazing Domme, an amazing Owner, and an amazing Woman.  She is unique...i've never met anyone like Her in my life, and i am grateful to have Her in my life and that She chooses to have me in Hers.

Finally, i arrived at the theater, about 5 minutes late.  It wasn't too bad at the beginning of the rehearsal.  We were learning more music, and we were all sitting down.  Later, we moved on to blocking, so we were up and moving around.  i was constantly reminded of the chastity device's presence, and more than once the thought ran through my brain and i wondered if it was visible ("noticeable" is a better word, i suppose).  No one seemed to react in any way, so it probably wasn't, but i will admit that the thought being there is rather exciting, and as it was a reminder that i belong to Mistress Katya made it even more so.  There's no doubt in my mind that's exactly what Mistress had in mind.  She has a wonderful way of making absolutely sure that She remains in my thoughts all the time.

i think what makes me the most nervous and at the same time excites me the most is the thought that one of these days, someone is going to notice the device and ask about it.  When that day comes, i'm not sure what my reaction is going to be.  i am proud to be Mistress Katya's, and honestly i am not in any way ashamed of it.  That's the theory at least - it's easy to say that, but i hope i have the strength of character to follow through on that day when someone notices and asks.  i would never want to deny or disappoint Mistress Katya like that...i simply wouldn't be worthy to be Hers if i did.

Not too much to report here.  i've been fighting a low-grade fever (100-101 degrees) for the last couple of days, so i've been spending a lot of time napping and watching TV (soooo bored!).  This week should be interesting though.  3 rehearsals this week!  Hopefully the costumer won't want to be taking my inseam measurement ;)

Just a quick note this morning.  Mistress, of course, was right.  She wasn't being nice by allowing me to have a release on Wednesday.  So far, both mornings since, i've woken up straining against the device.  Once the day has gotten started and i'm involved in work, it settles down and i'm fairly OK, but boy, that first sensation in the morning...

OK, so i promised that i would try to write today about last night.  It's had a chance to settle in my brain, and i can at least form coherent sentences about it now.

Mistress was so beautiful in Her latex dress and Her new thigh-high boots, which are so soft and smell so good.  She announced a few things - that i was to have a release, but that i was going to have to work for it.  After a while, She took my chin and lifted it up to make me look into Her eyes.  Then She told me that my release wasn't going to be the normal way.  She was going to take me with Her strap-on and the release would come from it hitting my prostate.  i must admit, this made me apprehensive, as i have never had that done to me before, but of course, i trust Mistress implicitly and will do anything for Her.  On top of that, the intoxicating scents of Her boots and Her hair had my flying.

After a while of sitting at Her feet and kissing Her boots, Mistress Katya used one of Her whips on my backside.  i'm not sure what the name for this kind of whip is, but it was fairly painful.  i never thought i'd get to this point, but i'm beginning to want Mistress' corporal.

After that, Mistress had me suck the strap-on as She sat in a chair.  i wasn't very good at it, but i hope that my efforts pleased Her.

Once She was finished with that, Mistress told me that She was going to give me an enema to clean me out before using the strap-on.  It was a very interesting experience - i'd never had an enema before.

As it turns out, i'm too tight at the moment for Mistress to take me with Her strap-on without causing me a great deal of pain.  i was disappointed in myself that i couldn't take it for Her, and i know She was disappointed.  Mistress then used Her fingers, but She was unable to reach my prostate.  It was quite humiliating to have these things done to me, but at the same time it was exciting because it was just a deeper proof that Mistress owns me, body, mind, and soul.

Since release through prostate massage was not possible, Mistress said She was going to take the chastity device off and i was to release through masturbation - but it was NOT going to be pleasurable.  i actually asked Her to deny me, as i did not deserve a release.

Mistress Katya looked me in the eye and laughed.  She said very softly that giving me a release wasn't being nice - a release would mean starting all over again, and the dreams and intense feelings would rush back - so really, granting a release was making things MORE difficult for me in the long run - and that was what She wanted.

i hadn't asked Mistress to deny me in an effort to make things easier, i had thought that it might please Her for me to go longer.  i need to remind myself that Mistress knows what is best and that i shouldn't try to anticipate or guess what might make Her happy - She will tell me what She wants from me.  i think that may have been the biggest lesson i learned last night.

Mistress took off the device, and had me kneel and masturbate.  i did release, and of course, Mistress was right - it wasn't pleasurable.  It sent a chill down my spine when Mistress laughed at my release and the realization that i hadn't had any pleasure out of it.  She must have known that at that moment, it became full reality that i can now only derive sexual pleasure if She allows it.  The reality of that certainly hit me like a ton of bricks - and it was a wonderful realization!  i always thought and said that i wanted to really be in the control of a Mistress and not just having sessions that went along the lines of my desires - and now i really am under Mistress Katya's complete control - and it's more amazing and wonderful to me than i could have imagined.  i know it's the place i've been looking for for so long, and i am humbled and grateful to Mistress Katya for knowing exactly what i needed, and being graceful and generous enough to guide me there. 

Thank You, Mistress Katya.  Thank You for taking me on such a journey of self-discovery, and teaching and showing me what i've always needed.

Sometimes there are just no words.

Mistress Katya allowed me to see Her tonight.  At the end, She told me to write about it here while it was still fresh in my head.  The problem with that is that i'm sitting here trying to write, and i'm still overwhelmed by the whole experience.  i sat here for 10 minutes after writing the first sentence, trying to unscramble my mind so that i could write about the session coherently.  It hasn't happened.  Each time i see Her, Mistress takes me deeper into my submission and service to Her, and tonight it was so deep that i don't know how long it will be before i can put it into words.  i know it's going to disappoint Her that i can't write about it right now...my only hope is that She realizes it's because it really was so amazing that i'm still shellshocked and dumbfounded.  i hope that getting some sleep will clear my head a little and that tomorrow morning i'll be able to write about it.

Until then, thank You, Mistress Katya, from the bottom of my heart.  You truly are everything i could ever have asked for in an owner and Mistress and more.