As i suspected, i am so wound up about tonight that i am useless for anything else today.  i told my office that i wasn't feeling well and would be taking things easy today (i work from home most days so they can't see the state i'm really in!).  i'm not really able to concentrate on anything (i've lost count already of the number of times i've had to backspace and correct spelling errors while typing this very post) and thoughts of Mistress Katya are pushing all other thoughts out of my head.  It's less than 5 hours now until O/our scheduled meeting time and it feels more and more like i'm going to be completely unable to do anything else by then.  i ache to be at Mistress' feet, serve Her, and be tormented by Her.  It is my place.

If i make it through the day today it'll be a miracle. i'm seriously considering calling in sick to work because i'm so on edge about meeting Mistress Katya tonight that i'm pretty useless. i had an experience last night - i would normally say "dream" but it was so vivid that although my brain tells me it was a dream the rest of me still isn't sure. The only way i know for sure it wasn't real is there's no writing on me. During the dream Mistress Katya took a Sharpie and wrote "Property of Mistress Katya" on my chest. Just the thought of that is so hot that i'm going to bring a Sharpie tonight!

i was doing OK in chastity this time until yesterday. With all the physical contact due to the end of my show (see previous post) and then this dream, i came as close as i've ever come to bursting the chastity device. Of course it didn't burst, it held tight - and i mean TIGHT! Right now every nerve ending is on fire and it's taking every bit of willpower and concentration i have to be lucid and coherent writing this.

i don't know what torments and tortures Mistress Katya has in store for me tonight but i'll be a quivering mass of jelly all day today just thinking about it.

But i'm HER quivering mass of jelly :)

A quick addendum to my earlier post...

Today and tonight, as enraptured as i am with Mistress Katya, were still difficult. It was closing day of my show, and my body was extra-sensitive. Testing the strength of the device, nipples uber-sensitive to the slightest touch or even fabric rubbing against them, skin reacting to the slightest touch of someone's hand. As there always is on a closing day, there was a lot of hugging, and i had to take a moment after each one to recover due to the heightened sensations. i'm sure that people thought i was very emotional about the end of this show...the truth is every nerve ending in my body was on overload and that took a huge toll on me. It drained me to the point where i took a 3 hour nap when i got home. The hugs/kisses on the cheek/etc. from the women in the cast were particularly difficult...most of all from a young woman who physically reminds me of Mistress Katya. Red hair, piercing eyes, very beautiful (doesn't actually hold a candle to Mistress, but reminds me of Her). Her hug almost sent me over the edge because it brought up all the sensations of being with Mistress.

It was like running a gauntlet designed to light every nerve ending on fire, and i can say that the ride home and the next few hours tested the strength of my chastity device. Even now, about 5 hours later, i'm still hypersensitive and just beginning to calm down. The only reason i was able to nap was because i was absolutely drained.

i dedicate today's torment to my Mistress, who i'm sure will enjoy knowing that it was intense, extended, and exquisite.

Today was both a bit of a disappointment and a realization. Disappoitment in that Mistress Katya and i were supposed to see each other but She had to reschedule due to the fact She was under the weather. To be precise, i was disappointed by the situation - not by Mistress. i could never be disappointed by Her. It's been three weeks since i've seen Her and i'm longing to be at Her feet again - craving Her torments, Her touch, Her cane, Her whips, everything about Her. Anticipating breathlessly how She will take me even deeper into submission to Her.

Mistress Katya is magnificent. i feel sorry for those who never got a chance to know Her. Of course, some would not have appreciated Her. Mistress is the most genuine, no-nonsense, what-you-see-is-what-you-get person i've ever known, and most subs nowadays are in it for their own quick gratification and don't want genuine. They want an actress or a stripper with a whip who's going to act out *their* fantasies. It's just another way to get their rocks off. These so-called subs wouldn't even realize how wondetful Mistress Katya is.

You'll notice that i used the word "person" above, not "Mistress". That's because the genuine part of Her is beyond that. She is who She is, Domme or otherwise. Magnificent and truly awe-inspiring.

Now to the realization. That genuine-ness, that honesty, that natural power - the beauty of who Mistress Katya IS - that is why i grow more devoted to Her each day. i know i'm starting to get into the time when my chastity begins to affect my emotions a lot, but what i write here is only partially because of that. i have chosen to fully submit myself and to give all the power and control to Mistress Katya because there has never been anyone who was such a perfect match for me, who knew exactly what i needed, who gave me what i needed and not necessarily what i wanted, and who cared about me as much.

Yes, folks, that's right. The secret's out - Mistress Katya cares. Make no mistake...She is in charge and She will use Her power and control to get what She wants...but She does care and for that i am in awe of Her and eternally grateful.

Didn't sleep well again last night. The last week or so has been very fitful sleep, waking up 3-4 times during each night. Last night it was only tangentially related to my chastity. i still love that every waking moment i have a reminder of who i belong to and who has ultimate power and control over me.

Even though the tossing and turning last night wasn't really caused by chastity, i still woke up with my nipples so sensitive and so hard they could cut glass - which of course meant that even the slightest brush of anything, even the bedsheet, against them set off a chain reaction which made Mistress Katya's cock (see, i got it right that time because She owns it, not me) to grow the little bit that it can inside its prison and try to break free. Once again it was thwarted by the device, and i was actually grateful for that. Mistress Katya is teaching me to appreciate my orgasms more, and i fear that if i had been free this morning, i wouldn't have had the willpower to resist and i would have wasted a precious orgasm.

She is also teaching me that any orgasm i am allowed is not for my pleasure but for Hers. i'm finally starting to really understand that deep down in my core. The true understanding and acceptance of that is really amazing. Yet another thing i have to be eternally grateful to Mistress Katya for.

As i go deeper and deeper down this rabbit hole, further along this journey, the more and more grateful i become to have a Mistress, Owner, and Teacher who is so wise and who knows why i am here and how to guide me.

Thank You always, my wonderful, amazing Mistress.

Finally fell asleep very late, and woke up early. Not a good combination. Woke up testing the structral integrity of my chastity device. i had a dream last night that featured Mistress Katya. i don't remember the details but judging from the fact that my cock - my apologies i should say Her cock since it belongs to Her - was trying to break out of its captivity, and the light sheen of sweat that covered my skin, it was an intense one. i've calmed down some since, and taken a cool shower so i'm better for the moment. Of course, now i have to get dressed for the day which means putting on panties and stockings so i wonder if i'll stay OK for long.

i ask myself all the time what people would say if they knew what was under my clothes - the device, the panties, the stockings. Would they understand? Would they be capable of understanding how all of that is wonderful, how it is all in service to Mistress Katya, which is so fulfilling to me? Or would they just think i was nuts?

Having trouble falling asleep tonight. Restlessness from the chastity device definitely tweaked up a little today. Mistress Katya was in my thoughts quite a bit. No daydreams per se, but i am a little concerned about what dreams i may have when i do finally fall asleep tonight.

Mistress told me back at the beginning that chastity was all about control and discipline, and like She always is, She was 100% right. i never doubt anything She tells me because She always turns out to be right, even when i might not believe it at first.

i'm going to try and harness some of that discipline to get myself to sleep. i'll write about the outcome and any dreams tomorrow morning.

i may have spoken too soon!  i'm definitely starting to get antsy as this week goes on.  It's not too bad yet, but i'm hoping that it doesn't keep increasing.  Mistress Katya wants to see me on Sunday, and i pray two things - first, that She doesn't make me wait beyond Sunday (She's done that before just so i'm in more torment, and although i will continue to obey anything She says, i really do hope She doesn't reschedule this time...i miss Her very much), and that the effects of the chastity don't get too bad before then.

My transformation

As i lay in bed this morning after waking, my mind was racing. Thinking of many of the things i've been intoduced to and experienced with Mistress Katya. Some of those things have scared the hell out of me in the past, but with Mistress, i submit to them freely, even eagerly. A mental image came through my head of being bound, caned and whipped severely, and then Mistress burning off the small amount of body hair i naturally have. Chills down my spine. The thought of needle play. More chills. The thought of seeing the pleasure on Her face knowing that She holds so much power, control, and influence over me that i not only submit to what She wants to inflict on me, i WANT and CRAVE Her torments.

So what is the transformation? When i realized that Mistress Katya has turned me into a slut for Her enjoyment and the things She loves. And i adore Her and thank Her for it. A true slut, yes?

This morning, i wasn't particularly straining against my device, but i did have an interesting sensation.  i woke up thinking "wow, i would really love to masturbate", but of course, i couldn't.  About 20 minutes after waking up, i was glad - very glad - that i am locked into chastity and therefore couldn't masturbate.  It's difficult to put into words, but i am coming to appreciate the control and discipline that is forced on my by my chastity.  Plus, i know Mistress Katya likes it when my body betrays me and i wind up in torment (even if it's mild torment) for a while.

i do love the constant sensation of the device, and the reminder it is of who i belong to.  As i sit here writing this, i am acutely aware of the sensations of the device, and i realize that in addition to loving being in Mistress' control, and loving the fact that i belong to Her, and even loving the torment when i wake up straining against the device, i am coming to enjoy the sensations of the device itself, and all the emotions and reminders those sensations bring.

i really did need to have control of my dick taken away from me.  i never knew it, but i needed it.

Once again, as always, thank You, Mistress Katya :)

For the first time since my last release, i woke up today straining against my chastity device. This was mainly due to a very vivid dream i had of Mistress putting me in strict bondage, blindfolding and gagging me, and then teasing and tormenting my nipples for what seemed like hours.

Blindfolding me is one of the cruelest torments Mistress Katya imposes on me. She is so stunningly gorgeous that it is really torment to know that She is there but i cannot see Her. It also deprives me of the ability to see the smile and glow that come across Her face when She is enjoying Her power over me and the torments She chooses to make me endure. i know it's selfish but i really do enjoy seeing Her light up like that.

Anyway, back to this morning. Woke up straining and realized - i love that i no longer control my own body. i love that Mistress Katya is my Owner, my trainer, and my tormenter, 24/7. Yes, it's intense. Yes, it's almost unbearable at times. Yes, i walk around with a constant reminder of Mistress Katya locked on to me and it makes me think of Her all the time.

And yes, i love it all. It's what i've needed for so long and i never knew it. But Mistress, in Her infinite wisdom and Her ability to read me body mind and soul like an open book, knew it. My incredible, intuitive, sadistic, and at times almost telepathic Mistress knew it was exactly what i needed.

Thank You, Mistress Katya. My devotion to You grows each day, with each new realization and each new experience. You have already taught me so much about myself and You continue to do so. Thank You from the depths of my heart for taking me on this wonderful journey.

And even for the canings :)

So much for getting to sleep early. A final thought for the evening:

As i lay here, i am in many ways no longer what i was a short 4 months ago. i lay here, in frilly panties and stockings, locked into a chastity device for which i do not have a key, and with a butt plug up my ass. i would have been scared, nervous, and embarrassed about all of those things before i was taken into training by Mistress Katya.

Now, as i lay here experiencing all those things at once, i know this - i am not afraid. Of these things or any way that Mistress wishes me to serve Her or anything She wishes me to endure. i may be apprehensive, but never afraid. i want to please Her, more than anyhing. i want to see the pleasure in Her face and hear it in Her voice as She sees and knows just how much power and control She has over me. And the best part is that with chastity, She has that control 24/7/365, even when we are not physically together. THAT'S powerful stuff and i love it.

OK, i promised an update later tonight and so here it is.  i was about halfway successful.  i was definitely able to calm myself and somewhat get my mind and body under control.  i am still longing for Mistress, and still thinking of Her, but i was able to turn it down from about a 6 to about a 3 (on a 1-10 scale).  Of course it's still there at a 3.  It's always there, it never goes completely away.

It's starting again.  The buildup, the cravings, the longing to be at Mistress Katya's feet.  i was OK most of the day but just now, laying on my bed, a wave of it all came over me.  Mistress said that when i have these things happen i should write here, and so i am.

i find myself dreaming (daydreaming and at night) about the next time i am at Her feet, being controlled by Her, serving Her, being disciplined by Her.  Even the thought of it is mesmerizing.  Of course, those thoughts trigger other feelings and sensations in me, which are frustrated by my being locked in chastity.  i have to admit, Mistress Katya really knew what She was doing when She agreed to lock me in.  She knew i would need it...She knew i needed the control and discipline...She knew i needed to be kept from indulging my own weakness.  How She knew, i have no idea, but She knew then and She knows now.  i have to admit, it's a little mind-boggling how well She knows me, at times even better than i know myself.  But that's what makes Her so amazing to serve, so amazing to be owned by.  That's what makes Her intoxicating.  That's what makes Her so far beyond anyone i've ever met that sometimes it's hard to believe She's not super-human.

i have to stop this, i'm working myself up into a frenzy.  i think it's time for some deep meditation, hopefully i can use it like i used it the last time to get my mind and my body under control.  i'll update when i can, and document the outcome of tonight - whether i'm able to get myself under control, or whether i begin to go down the spiral into torment again.

Good Lord.  It's only been 9 days and it's starting a little again.  Last night i was definitely feeling it a little.  Not anywhere near the unbearableness (is that even a word?) of the week leading up to the last session, but just starting to be there in the back of my mind.  Right now, i'd say about a 3 on a 1-10 scale (for reference, the by the week leading up to the last session with Mistress Katya it was probably a 9.  i'm tempted to say 12 because it was so intense but that would be a bit of an exaggeration - but it was very very close to the point where i'd go crazy).

Last time was almost 5 weeks in chastity without a release, and it took about 4 weeks of that to build up to the frenzy point.  i was pretty good for the first 6 or 7 days this time, but in the last 2 days i've noticed it just beginning to build, sort of like a low humming in the background (i know i don't describe it well).

my goal is to get better and better at handling it so that i may please Mistress Katya more and more, and also because i know (and She has stated) that more discipline and control make me a better slave and a better person.  She really is teaching me so much about myself and She really is helping me to become a better, more disciplined person.  There is so much more to the mental and emotional side of true training as Mistress is leading me through than i ever thought.  It's pretty amazing and i will thank Her each and every day for it.

Monday night.  It's now been close to 48 hours since i saw Mistress Katya, and i'm finally coherent enough to write about it - i think.  She had agreed to meet me after my rehearsal on Monday, which meant that we were going to start around midnight.  The session was the most intense i've ever experienced.

Each and every thing that happened was charged with electricity.  Polishing Mistress' latex, which is a regular occurrence in O/our sessions, was a supercharged activity, sensation-wise.  i almost couldn't concentrate enough to properly do it.

Then Mistress had me bend over the bed and She began to cane me.  During this, i learned the first lesson that i was to learn that night.  It was pure agony while the caning was happening, but the afterglow sensations after Mistress Katya had finished were heaven.  First lesson: although the pain is agonizing, i crave Her canings because of the feelings afterwards.  Also because i know how much Mistress loves caning me.

Then, it was time for something new.  Latex play.  Mistress put an inflatable latex hood on me, which was a complete first.  i'd never had anything like that on me before.  It was a bit claustrophobic, but there was no panic (i'm not naturally claustrophobic, that was just the best way i could describe what the hood felt like).  i trust Mistress beyond words and that kept me calm.  Then She put me into a latex body bag and bound me inside it.  As moments passed, i was further and further gone, into bliss.  The bag was tight against my skin, and it felt like it had melded with my skin.  It didn't feel like there was a layer on top of my skin - it felt like my skin had absorbed the latex and had become this slick, slippery thing.  Sensations were heightened.  Every touch of Mistress' hands felt like it was reaching into my body and stimulating every nerve ending directly.  At this point, i was still locked into the chastity device.  Mistress was bringing me to the absolute edge of ecstasy and holding me there.  i never knew sensations like this existed, let alone could be sustained for so long.  Mistress inflated the hood even more and the latex pressed against my head and face.  i was so far gone i wasn't even on the same planet anymore.  When She removed the chastity device and zipped me back into the bag completely, i was in heaven.  The latex covering my skin and the feeling of Mistress Katya's latex-clad skin next to mine was overloading my senses and it was amazing.  When She commanded me to orgasm, it went on for what seemed like minutes.  i've never experienced an orgasm that was even 1/10th that powerful ever in my life.  Second lesson of the night: i LOVE latex and the heightened sensations it brings.  Third lesson, learned at the same time as #2: Mistress Katya can read my body and mind like a book, and knows just exactly how to push me right to the edge, keep me there as long as She wants, then with nothing more than a nudge, send me over the edge into absolute ecstasy and bliss.

It took me probably 5 or 10 minutes before i could even speak coherently.  i know i didn't properly express my feelings or gratitude to Mistress that night.  i couldn't.  my brain was overloaded and wouldn't recover fully for more than 24 hours, closer to 48.  And my body?  SPENT!  i think my body still hasn't fully recovered.

If i wasn't eternally grateful for Mistress Katya before, i am now.

It's been a few days since my last post.  The weekend was torment.  On Thursday, i was told by Mistress Katya that we would be meeting Sunday night.  That made it very impossible for me to think of anything else.  This last week has been more intense than i could have imagined at the beginning of my training.  i know it pleases Mistress for me to be in such torment, though, and knowing it pleases Her is pretty much the only thing that is keeping me sane at this point.  i haven't slept well since last Sunday - i've gotten a few hours a night, but there's been a lot of tossing and turning and the chastity device has been severely pressure-tested (it passed the tests with flying colors and kept me in torment).

i've become very emotional over the last week too.  my devotion to Mistress Katya has skyrocketed, and so has my desire to be at Her feet.  i really had no idea back in June when we reconnected that things would go so far so fast and that it would be this intense.  It's like nothing else i've ever experienced, and it's magnificent.  She is magnificent.  Every day i think "i couldn't possibly be more devoted to Her than i am", and the next day i look back and my devotion has grown.

To get back to the narrative, on Sunday late afternoon, Mistress sent me a text message saying that She was going to make me suffer a little more and that She was postponing until Monday night.  This set off a  wave of panic in me that possibly i had displeased Her, and also a lot of pent-up longing for Her that honestly made me tear up and one of the tears did roll down my cheek.  Her hold on me is so powerful that i can be brought to tears via remote control ;)

After much pleading and back-and-forth emails, it was decided that i would be allowed to meet Mistress late Monday night.  i said some very emotional things in my emails, and i hope they came across well.  i'm going to try to express my feelings in person, but i fear i may be too overwhelmed with emotion and become tongue-tied.  Nevertheless, i'm going to try.  Mistress Katya deserves to hear these things said out loud, and not just read them in an email.  She has come to mean so much to me, and i want Her to always know how appreciated, valued, and wonderful She is.

Mistress has been constantly in the forefront of my mind the last few days, without break.  Everything reminds me of Her, even things that have no connection to Her.  She is the ultimate power in my life, and i could not be happier than i am in Her complete and utter control.  She is what i have been searching for for so long...i was searching and i didn't even know what it was i was searching for.  i revel in my torments because i know that me tormented pleases Her, and that's all i need to know.