i got a good night's sleep last night, including a vivid dream that i was bound and tortured by Mistress Katya, and kept on Her collar and leash at Her beck and call for a full day.  However, today is bad.  i woke up with as close to an erection as the chastity device will allow, and have been supercharged ever since.  i just had a wave of it come over me, and Mistress said that when that happens i should write about it here.

i am also losing some track of time.  i had to go back and check this journal just now to see how long it's been since i last saw Mistress and was granted a release, and couldn't believe it when i saw that it's not even a week and a half!  It feels like so much longer.  i had no idea when i started this that it could be so intense.  Would i make the same choice now as i did then?  Knowing what i know now, would i still choose to give Mistress Katya supreme control over me? 

In a heartbeat.  In LESS than a heartbeat.

Mistress is guiding me on this journey, and it's already become one of the most incredible and meaningful experiences in my life.  Thank You, Mistress Katya.  The words "thank You" can't even properly express my gratitude.

Mistress said there'd be days like this

Mistress Katya said there would be days (nights, really) like this, where it would be intense and i wouldn't be able to sleep. Well, tonight is the first night that i'm finding it impossible to fall asleep. i'm terribly aroused (my nerve endings are on fire) and it's hard to belive the chastity device can take this much pressure for this long (it's been two hours pretty straight) but it's not giving, and i lay here straining. Mistress haa been constantly on my mind tonight, and i even had a thought tonight that i never expected to have. Tonight i'm actually craving the kiss of Mistress' single-tails and the welt-inducing stroke of Her cane. i never thought i'd want it, but here i am craving it. i think Mistress would be very much enjoying my suffering and insomnia if She could see it. As difficult as my chastity and my training is, i need it, and Mistress Katya instinctively knows what is best for me. It's like She's a mind reader, counselor, and guru all wrapped up together in one ravishing package. i can't even properly express how grateful i am that She came into my life.

Wow...i don't know why, but the last hour, my desires skyrocketed and things got intense!  i can't think of any real explanation.  There was nothing that seemed to trigger it, but it went through the roof.  i'm hoping to get a bike ride in after work and maybe taking my mind off it a little and working my muscles will tone things down a little.  Will report back later!  Right now i'd rate it at an 8 out of 10.

The interesting experiences just keep coming!  Last night, Mistress allowed me to go on a date with a young woman i had recently met.  Of course, i was still locked into my chastity device, and Mistress wasn't going to let me out.  Mistress Katya also has me wearing panties and stockings under my clothes every day instead of male underwear (i haven't worn male underwear in about a week), and i was required to still be wearing the panties and stockings under my clothes during the date.

The date went very well, but there were a number of times during dinner that i had to keep my mind wandering from the sensations of either the chastity device or the panties and stockings.  What made it even more difficult was that Mistress was constantly on my mind the whole time - i was reminded of Her each time i saw my date's watch - she was wearing a Hello Kitty watch (and anyone who knows anything about Mistress Katya knows She has what could be described as a mild obsession with Hello Kitty). 

All in all, it was a good night, but more difficult than a date would have been before i started to serve Mistress Katya.  The chastity device got a workout, as the young woman i was having dinner with is very beautiful and absolutely adorable, and was also wearing 4" spike heels...and i'm a sucker for a woman in heels!  i was straining against the device a good portion of the evening and part of the night too after i got home.

i do have to thank Mistress Katya for allowing me to have a date at all.  She is extremely good to me, and i care for Her a great deal.  Each and every day, there is something that deepens my desire to serve Her, please Her, and make Her life better in any way i can.

Just now, for the first time, the thought entered my head - i'm locked up, don't have the key, and don't know when Mistress Katya may allow me to have another release.  It could be weeks, months, or longer if She wants it.  i know i'd been locked up for 4 weeks prior to my last release, but this is the first time it really hit me that it could be a very long time.  In fact, Mistress is stating that it will be.  The thought is sobering, exciting, and a little scary, all at the same time...but knowing that i have an Owner who cares about me is very, very cool and makes me feel very safe and secure.

Day 3...redux

Wow...that's what i have to say.  It took a full day to come down from the high of Friday's session with Mistress Katya.  Plus, even this morning (the 3rd day, it's Monday), there were still 5 single-tail marks that were still visible on my back.  It sent chills down my spine to see them.

i've also spent my first few days in my new, smaller-sized chastity device.  Oddly enough, it's actually more comfortable than the old, larger one.  Go figure!  Mistress Katya was right though - She said that i would start being affected sooner this time - and i am.  i think that my subconscious mind must have thought after Friday that it was done with being locked up, and it's rebelling a little bit about being back in the device.  i am already feeling a pretty constant low-level stimulation (it's very low-level at this point, i can live normally but it's a reminder), and a very intense dream last night about having a very hot-and-heavy affair with a friend of mine (the friend is married, not me).  i never knew i wanted to kiss my friend Kellie that badly!  i wonder what she'd think if she knew i was having dreams about her, and also what she'd think if she knew i was locked in chastity...

Anyway, i made it through the weekend, which was interesting, to say the least.  Sunday was my niece's baptism, and it definitely felt weird being in church locked in chastity.  At least the device wasn't really noticeable in the slacks i was wearing.

A last thought...at least once a day, i think how fortunate i am, and how grateful i am, to have found such a wonderful Mistress who is leading me on what is quickly becoming a journey of self-discovery, discipline, and (for lack of a better way to put it) psychological healing.  i only hope that i can repay Her.

There are no words.

So, last night, i saw Mistress Katya.  After having the chance to say some very heartfelt things to Her, things started in earnest.  Mistress informed me that She was going to grant me a release, but that i was going to have to work for it...hard.  i was going to have to take a whipping and a caning.  i was pretty nervous about it, but i trust Mistress Katya completely, and i know that She does what She does not only for Her enjoyment (which would have been reason enough for me!), but also for my training and my improvement as both a slave and a person.

Mistress started with Her patented (or at least it SHOULD be!) Hello Kitty flogger, which She made herself.  It's cute as all get-out, but the strands are knotted and beaded - so it is heavy, and it does hurt.  After warming me up with that, She moved on to "the twins" - a pair of perfectly matched single-tails.  There were times when the sting of a lash would last for a long time - longer than i thought it could.  Finally, Mistress brought out Her cane.

This is what i had been fearing the most.  i can barely take the cane, it hurts me more than any other implement i've ever felt.  But there wasn't the slightest chance i would let myself disappoint Mistress Katya.

She informed me that i was going to take 3 on each side.  When She started, it was clear that She was going a little harder on me with the cane than She had last time.  By the 6th stroke, i was in serious pain, and i didn't know how much more i could take.  Mistress' 6th stroke would have buckled my legs and brought me to my knees if i hadn't been kneeling already.

After telling me i was a good boy, and giving me a small break, Mistress surprised me by giving me one last stroke with the cane, which hurt even more because it was a complete surprise and i didn't know it was coming.

She then had me stand and look at the marks in the mirror.  Between the cane and the single-tails, there were definitely more marks than last time.  Mistress had me turn around again, and used the flogger and the twins on me more.  At the end, Mistress said i had done well, and that She was pleased.

It was now time for my release.  Mistress had me lay on the floor, and played with my nipples while i brought myself to orgasm.  The release itself is almost impossible to describe.  It was longer, deeper, and more intense than any orgasm i've ever had.  At one point it felt like it was going on forever.  The most remarkable thing, though, was that i knew, in my mind and in my heart, that this was Mistress' orgasm, that it was Her cock, and this pleasure i was feeling was Hers.  She really did control me, and She really did own me.

Afterwards, Mistress fitted me in my new chastity device.  Very rarely, the cock would slip out of the original device.  At Mistress' instructions, i had contacted the manufacturer, and they suggested that the next size down might take care of that problem, so of course i ordered another device the next size down.  It is tighter, but so far it's paradoxically more comfortable than the original, larger device, and it does certainly seem like it is taking care of the problem.

Mistress told me She didn't know how long She was going to keep me locked for this time, and when She might grant me another release.  She said maybe never, and also that Christmas was coming.  Then She asked if i was ready to start all over.  Looking into Her eyes, i said yes, and with that, Mistress Katya clicked the lock closed, and again, i was Her slave in chastity.  i wouldn't have it any other way.

The anticipation is building...Mistress and i are meeting tonight, and i'm already not sure how i'm going to make it through the next 8 hours.  i'm also nervous about what Mistress may have planned, as She has stated "I am not going to make it easy on you whatsoever." - that has me nervous.  Not worried, mind you...i trust Mistress Katya completely and i know that whatever She has planned is for Her pleasure and for my own training.  Nonetheless, i'm nervous.  i know i've disappointed Her, and the fear of losing Her is intense.

My Merciful Mistress

i couldn't adore Mistress Katya any more than i do.  She is amazing, caring, and everything i could ever want in a Mistress. 

i have so much to say, but i am seeing Her tomorrow night, and i want to say these things in person, so She can see how sincere i really am.  Perhaps after the meeting i will post it.

Until then, i will repeat that Mistress Katya is the most amazing and wonderful Mistress, and i am honored and humbled to be Hers.

i failed

i have failed.  Things got so bad this afternoon that i couldn't even adjust my sitting position in my chair without it causing a sensation that shot right up my spine.  Imagine that every 2 minutes.  i broke down and called my Mistress to beg.

Mistress Katya was merciful, and agreed to see me tomorrow.  But i think She may also be disappointed in me.  God, i hope not.  Each day She means more and more to me, and it would kill me to disappoint Her.  Even now i am ashamed that i wasn't stronger and i begged Her.  i don't deserve Mistress.  i will plead with Her tomorrow to forgive me for not being strong enough, and i will pray that She will have mercy on me.  i can already feel a bit of depression setting in for breaking down.  It's going to be a long night, and i already feel like a heel.

i was at least partially right in my earlier post.  Hearing Mistress Katya's voice did make me want to be at Her feet 10x more than i did this morning.  i would have kept the phone call going for hours just to hear Her voice :(

So far, i have been able to resist calling Mistress back and begging, but i don't know how much longer i will last.  i've been on the edge for the whole day, and it doesn't seem to be going away.  Picture feeling the beginnings of an orgasm, that moment when you first realize it's coming, but you know the cumming is still 20 or 30 seconds away - now take that moment, and elongate it out to hours on end.  That's what i've been feeling all day.  i've been steadily at that level of stimulation and anticipation - all day long.  It's almost unbearable.

On the other hand, i could hear the enjoyment and pleasure in Mistress Katya's voice as we spoke.  Her voice is hypnotic and entrancing to begin with, but to hear Her enjoying my torment makes me want to give Her even more of that as a gift to Her.

i'm torn.  But if the day and the sensations keep going the way they are, the decision may be made for me.  i just hope that if i do break down and beg, Mistress will not be disappointed in me.

i was woken up this morning in a very interesting way.  i was awakened by Mistress' cock (i must call it that, because although it is attached to my body, Mistress controls and owns it outright) THROBBING in its prison.  It wanted to be hard, and it wanted to be hard NOW.  Of course, my chastity device won't allow that, so it just had to settle for throbbing.  An hour later, the throbbing is still on and off.  Sometimes it feels like i'm going to explode.  Sometimes it feels like i'm on the edge for minutes at a time.  Sometimes it feels like i'd hump the nearest pillow like a dog.

Mistress Katya has instructed me to call Her today to check in.  i may be at the breaking point.  i think i would be OK if i were on my own, but i have a nagging suspicion that hearing Mistress' voice will push me over the edge into begging.  She occupies my mind all the time.

Today's torment

Today is the most difficult day yet.  Everything is ultra-sensitive.  Even just moving any part of my body a little bit causes sensations.  i've been trying various ways of distracting my mind - TV on in the background, concentrating on my work, weight training.  But nothing has worked. 

If it keeps accelerating like this every day, i'll be begging Mistress Katya before the end of the week.  Each day i think it's the worst it can get, and the next day it's worse.  i don't want to beg Her prematurely, but i'm beginning to be driven to distraction, which i think is what Mistress wants.

Rest assured, if things keep going the way they are, i'll be begging by Friday.  Or before.

Renewed faith

To understand where i am, dear readers, you will need to have a little of my backstory.

i began to actively participate in "the scene" almost 20 years ago, when i was in my early 20s.  i had seen magazines, and i knew i was powerfully attracted to D/s, but i hadn't acted on it other than in my fantasies.

The first few years were good...beyond good, really.  They were exciting, everything was new, and my head was spinning.  Spinning a little too fast, i think, at least too fast to notice things.

During those first 2 or 3 years, my sessions were less frequent.  i was a young adult just starting out, and couldn't afford a lot of sessions.

After those first few years, i began to notice that the connection between myself and the Mistresses i had seen (or was seeing) wasn't really there, and the connection was what i was craving most of all.  i wanted to know that this wasn't just a job for them, that they did care about me, and most of all, that they were enjoying themselves too, and it wasn't just "work".  But that wasn't really there, and i lost both my faith and my enjoyment, and i stopped.

Probably about 6 or 7 years later, i decided to try again.  i don't really know why.  It followed a very similar pattern, just a shorter one this time - it only took a few months for me to lose my faith and enjoyment this time around.

i gave it one more try in my mid-30s, with the exact same result.  After 3 tries, over the course of 12 or 13 years, i had really lost all faith and enjoyment in the scene, and gave it up, i thought, for good.

So much for the backstory.

A few months ago, i came across an ad for a fetish event that was going to be held so close to my house i could walk there if i wanted to.  i decided to give it a go.  i thought that, at worst, i could go, have a few drinks, take in some sights, and then go home.

It was at this event that i saw the magnificent Mistress Katya, and even got up the courage to speak to Her.  She was stunningly beautiful, and exuded power and confidence.  She wasn't faking it - i could tell that Her power and confidence was an innate part of Her being, and psychically it was like being hit with a sledgehammer.  i didn't stay late at this party, but it turns out it was a very big turning point for me.

i contacted Mistress Katya not long after that, and met Her.  It was powerful.  It was palpable.  Mistress Katya was real.  She wasn't playing at it, this was who She was.  At first, i didn't let myself believe it fully.  i had fooled myself into thinking that before about other Mistresses, and had been disappointed each time.  i had just gone through a very rough time (emotionally) in my life, and i was fragile.  But the more i spoke with Mistress Katya, the more all those doubts were burned away.  By the end of our first meeting (and it wasn't even a session, it was just an introductory meeting), i knew in my heart She was the real thing.  It also didn't hurt that She was gorgeous, and beyond cute (those are two different things - you can be gorgeous and not cute, and you can be cute and not gorgeous.  Mistress Katya is one of the few women in the world i have ever seen that is BOTH).  i knew i had to give it another try.

i can hardly even express how happy i am that i did.  Every contact, every email, phone call, meeting, session, everything - i fall more and more deeply into Mistress Katya's control and under Her spell.  She is transcendent - unlike any other Mistress, unlike any other woman i have ever known.  i knew after that first meeting that i wanted to give myself to Her, to be Hers, and that with Her, i could have all those things i had been looking for all along. 

Mistress Katya has restored my faith, not just in the scene, but in people.  i know this probably sounds ridiculous, but it is the truth.  She means the world to me, and i will spend my days, as long as She will have me, in an attempt to show Her just how grateful i am that She accepted me, and that i have Her in my life.

i know...

i know i've been posting a LOT the last week or so, but it's because the experiences are coming fast and furious.

Today, every little sensation is a turn-on.  My shirt rubbing against my nipples (i don't know how i made it on the ride home from Starbucks, it was so bad).  The feel of the fabric of my jeans brushing up against my leg.  The leather fabric of my chair against my arm.  Every part of me is hypersensitive and my head is spinning.  If i didn't work from home, i'd be in serious trouble.  i'm barely keeping it together as it is, and all the sensations are pushing me closer to the edge.  It was an hour and a half before i could get out of bed this morning, my skin was so sensitive to any touch.

i hope this passes and it gets easier as time goes on!

Quick note

i'm so twitchy tonight!!! It feel like i am going through some kind of withdrawal, it's almost impossible to describe. It definitely feels like i won't be getting any sleep tonight. Mistress said it would be hard...i don't know why i doubt it when She says that, but She is right every time. It's getting worse hour by hour.

The long weekend

i fall deeper and deeper into Mistress Katya's control as each hour passes. Friday's session (see previous post) cemented Her control and ownership of me. Each moment since then, awake or asleep, has been filled with thoughts of Her and longings for Her. i could spend a lifetime gazing into Her eyes, getting lost in the hypnotic beauty and power of Her gaze and Her voice. i would give up anything and everything for Her, to please Her, to be of use to Her. To kiss Her perfect feet, to see the joy in Her eyes as She tortures me, to hear the pleasure in Her voice as She gives me Her cane.

i wonder if She really means it when She says She may never allow me to cum again. It may sound unbelievable, and two months ago i would never have believed myself if i said it, but if Mistress denied me forever, i would thank Her for it. If She wanted me to walk around with "Property of Mistress Katya" written on my forehead, i would thank Her for it. Anything She wishes of me, i will thank Her for.

i am, without the smallest shred of doubt or hesitation in my mind, Her slave and Her property. i miss Her every moment i cannot be with Her. The thing i want most in life now is to see and hear the pleasure in Her eyes and voice when i serve Her well. My heart melts when i can give Her that gift.

The agony and the ecstasy

Tonight was the most amazing night i can remember.

After Mistress had postponed O/our meeting from last night to tonight, i was finally going to see Her.  The anticipation had built up to such a level that i had to stop working early this afternoon...i couldn't concentrate on anything.  i arrived at the hotel, and called Mistress Katya with the room number.

When She arrived, Mistress was even more beautiful than i remembered (i hadn't thought that was possible).  We exchanged a few pleasantries, and then Mistress went to change and ordered me to undress and stand facing the corner.  Mistress came back, wearing an amazingly gorgeous latex dress.  She announced that tonight was to be about sensory deprivation and overload.

She had me sit on the floor at Her feet, and massage Her feet and legs, which is always an amazing experience.  She began to tease me, playing with my nipples and using Her foot to play with my chastity device.

i don't want to make this into a play-by-play of O/our session, but i'm going to try to hit the hot spots.

After using the cane on me for a little bit (which i am embarrassed to say that i did not take as well as i should have), Mistress mummified me in saran wrap, and pushed me back onto the bed.  She put a blindfold on me, and put a ball gag in my mouth.  She cut out holes in the saran wrap so She had access to my nipples, and also to Her (because it's Hers, not my) cock.  She began to play with my nipples, and i could feel Her body next to mine.  She whispered in my ear, and i was in heaven.

After teasing and torture for what seemed like days, Mistress lay down next to me and began to whisper in my ear again.  She began to talk about Her decision as to whether or not i was going to be granted a release.

Mistress kept me on the edge for a long time, telling me about Her thoughts and Her decision process...finally She said "No..."

i wasn't to have a release.  She wanted to control me even more, and for me to know that i was Hers.  She said She wanted me to get so frustrated and pent up that i would be begging Her for release.  Not in email, not here on my journal, but She wanted me to get so frustrated that i have to call Her on the phone to beg.

When She was whispering these things in my ear, my mind was going a million miles an hour.  Was this what i wanted?  Was i really prepared to truly give up control of my life to this level?  A chill ran down my spine as i realized that the answer to these questions was yes.  Most definitely yes.  Unequivocably yes.  When Mistress removed the blindfold, looked in my eyes, and asked me if i was ready for that commitment, there was nothing in the universe that could make me say no.  Looking deep into Mistress' eyes, i almost cried tears of joy when i said yes.

After locking me back into my chastity device, it was time for the ultimate act of control.  Mistress had told me to get a locking key holder with a resettable combination.  One last time, she asked me if i was ready to be Hers for good and to make this commitment.  Of course, i said yes.  There was nothing i wanted more.  Mistress took the second key (the first is on Her keyring), and locked it into the key holder.  She had already reset the combination, so although i have the key holder, i do not have the combination.  (in the event of an emergency, i can ask Mistress for the combination)

i was flying the whole time.  As i listened to Mistress saying that it may be weeks or months until She allows me to have a release - or that She may never again let me have an orgasm - i knew in my heart that i would do anything for Her.  The emotions almost overcame me.  Reliving the experience as i write this, i have a lump in my throat and i know that i have found the Mistress who means the world to me, and for whom i would walk through fire.  i'd sessioned with Mistresses before, and i had almost given up hope that a deeper, more meaningful relationship than the standard cookie-cutter session was possible.

i couldn't have been more wrong.  Mistress Katya proves to me every single day that there is so much more.  i adore Her, and will be Her humble, devoted, and grateful slave for as long as She will have me.  i am Hers, to be used at Her discretion for Her pleasure and Her amusement.  As i sit here on my bed writing these words, and with my eyes welling up with tears...the emotions are so strong...all i can say is...

Thank You, my wonderful Mistress Katya.  Thank You for everything.

In 5 minutes...

Mistress Katya emailed me this evening and postponed our meeting until tomorrow night.  i had been doing OK today, even though the anticipation was building because i was supposed to be serving Her tonight.

She decided that She wanted me to suffer for one more day, and of course, that is Her prerogative.  She also says She has something special in store for tomorrow, which makes me a little nervous, but mostly with anticipation.  i trust Mistress completely, so i'm not nervous in the sense that i'm worried.

Just as i was replying to Her email, my phone rang, and it was Mistress Katya.  It was incredible to hear Her voice (She has completely captivated me in every sense!), and i could hear the enjoyment in Her voice while She was explaining that She wanted me to suffer more for Her.  i would give anything, endure anything, to hear the pleasure in Her voice like that!

Her email and phone call have already had part of their intended effect.  Although i was doing OK dealing with my chastity today, as soon as i read that email and heard Mistress' voice, my anticipation shot up tenfold, and physically i'm already experiencing more sensitivity all over.  The next 24 hours are going to be torturous.

This was only further proof that Mistress Katya is the one who was destined to own me and be my Mistress.  She is the embodiment of everything i could ever have asked for in a Mistress, and She even surprises me with twists that make me fall even deeper under Her spell.  Not that i needed any further proof.

i just honestly hope that She wants me as Her slave for the long term...because each and every day i am more entranced by Her, more in Her power, and more dependent on Her control.

Thank You, Mistress, for the wonderful journey You are taking me on!

The worst morning yet

i've already been struggling with desire for 4 hours this morning. It's more intense than ever before. My nipples and my skin are so sensitive to any touch and it's driving me insane. Mistress Katya has agreed to see me tomorrow night, and i am incredibly grateful for that, but today is the first time i've ever wondered if i'll make it until then. i never knew service and chastity would be like this. Mistress even warned me it would be unbearable at times and i didn't really believe Her. i believe Her now. She was right, and i am very lucky to be owned by Her and to have Her to guide me on this journey.

Thank You Mistress for the exquisite torment. i offer my suffering as a sacrifice to You and Your superiority. i offer my devotion and my service. i offer myself, body, mind, and soul, for Your pleasure and amusement. i belong to You and no longer to myself, and being Your property turns out to be what i've always longed for.

Aaaargh!

Warning:  there's only going to be one lucid, intelligent part of this posting.  i'll let you know when it's coming.

It's official - i'm going a bit nuts.  My body WANTS an erection and an orgasm and WANTS IT BADLY.  i think it wants an erection even more than it wants an orgasm, but i'm not sure.  All i know for sure is that my Mistress' cock (i must refer to it that way because it belongs to Her, no longer to me) wants to be hard.  It wants it so badly.  It's driving me to distraction the last 2 days.  Help!

OK, here's the lucid, intelligent part:  Even though i'm going nuts, i have not melted the ice cube and used the key, for the following reasons:

1.  Doing so would, i'm sure, cause a severe punishment from Mistress Katya.
2.  Doing so would, i'm sure, disappoint Mistress Katya.

i would be willing to accept any punishment from Mistress.  After all, i am Hers to do with as She wishes.  But it would simply kill me to see disappointment in Her eyes, or hear disappointment in Her voice.  It would devastate me.  Mistress is amazing beyond words, and i simply cannot bring myself to disappoint Her, no matter what that means for me.  Pain, frustration, inability to concentrate on daily tasks, embarrassment - i would suffer all of that and more to avoid disappointing a truly wonderful Mistress who has accepted me as Her slave for Her service and training.

The worst yet

Last night and this morning, my body decided to rebel against my chastity. It would not accept that i no longer have the ability to have an erection. It strained to get hard and put tremendous pressure against the device. To its credit, the chastity device took all the pressure my cock could give it and held me in check. My body tried so hard that the pressure was actually painful at times. Not even repeating my mantra that my body, cock, and orgasms no longer belong to me, they belong to my Mistress Katya could help. i almost emailed Mistress to beg for release. i came really close to doing that.

i can see the mischievous smile on Her face and hear Her laughing at my helplessness and Her complete control of me. i hope i can see that smile and hear that laugh soon...i miss Her so much.

First things first: i will be changing to baggier swimsuits (see previous post). i couldn't get into the pool fast enough at the gym. Just walking from the locker room to the pool, i felt like everyone could see my chastity device and everyone knew what it was. i'm sure that wasn't actually true, but that's what it felt like!

Next: the lack of ability to have an orgasm is really driving me nuts the last two days!

Last: i miss my Mistress very much. Even though we communicate via email and phone, i miss being in Her presence. i miss Her torments and i miss Her smile while tormenting me. i miss the soft whisper of Her voice in my ear and the touch of Her hand on my skin. i miss being at Her feet and knowing it is my proper place.

i'm going to try to get some sleep now. i doubt i'll be successful.

A quick update

OK, so i spent the whole day with over sensitized nipples (see previous post), and now i'm wondering how hard it's going to be to get to sleep tonight. My legs are already feeling restless (that's the first symptom i get when it's bedtime and i haven't, or in my current case, can't, masturbate). i have a feeling i'm going to be tossing and turning a bit tonight.

Now, i don't want to give the slightest impression that this isn't what i want. i was very sure when Mistress locked me in that it was what i wanted, and i'm even more sure now. The certainty that i truly belong to Mistress and She controls me is intoxicating, and i am honored as well.

Tomorrow should be interesting. i'm planning on going to the gym. One of the main reasons i joined the gym i did is because of its Olympic size pool for swimming laps. My swimsuits are rather tight...they're not Speedos, but they kind of look like spandex bike shorts, and i'm wondering how noticeable the chastity device will be under the swimsuit. Mind you, i also cycle a lot and i do use bike shorts, and the device has added a small but noticeable (at least it's noticeable to me) bulge in the bike shorts. i feel like everyone's looking and wondering what it is. It makes me really self-conscious but it's also another palpable reminder of the choice i have made and i do like that.

Oversensitivity and another dream

My Mistress knows, although readers may not, that even under normal circumstances my nipples are extremely sensitive. This morning, they're almost indescribably so. Even just inadvertently letting them brush against the fabric of my bedsheet caused what would have been a massive erection. Of course, that's not what it caused today, since i am under Mistress Katya's lock and key. It turned into a viscious cycle, with the inability to get hard or orgasm making my nipples even more sensitive, which caused my body to try even harder (no pun intended) for an erection, and so on. Finally i had to make sure my nipples couldn't come into contact with anything, and then use some techniques i learned when i had studied Zen to calm and clear my mind. It took about 45 minutes altogether for the episode to happen and pass. Sweet torment if there ever was such a thing, and my thanks to Mistress Katya for yet another new experience (most seriously).

In the title of this post i also mentioned another dream. This one was still vivid, but wasn't as real. i knew it was a dream even as it was happening. How, you ask? It featured Mistress, but She (and i for that matter) was...wait for it...claymation. A truly bizarre dream, but lest anyone wonder, Mistress Katya is just as stunningly beautiful sculpted in clay.

As a final note, i'm still having to keep my nipples from touching anything at the moment, not even a t-shirt. It is extremely lucky for me that i work from home, otherwise venturing out in public this morning might have been a problem. i'm half worried that Mistress will read this and order me out into a public setting just to torment me. Although it would certainly be Her prerogative to do so and i would of course obey by Owner without question.

The past few days

Today marks one week in chastity for me, and the past few days have been interesting ones in that regard. The first thing i should note is a touch of insomnia...there is a whole lot of truth in that Seinfeld episode where everyone was tossing and turning in their beds because they weren't masturbating! It would be unbearable if i weren't able to remind myself that i chose this, and that my body and my orgasms no longer belong to me, but instead to my Mistress. That has become my mantra!

The other thing i have to report is extremely vivid dreams the last two nights. In fact i just woke up from one in a bit of a cold sweat. i'm not sure if this is a direct result of being in chastity, but it has been happening the last two nights.

The first was about my ex-wife...which raised a lot of questions. We are still good friends and talk and see each other often.

The dream i just woke up from was about my Mistress. i was bound spread-eagled to the bed, face down, and Mistress Katya was alternating between using Her canes and Her whips on me. She had taped my mouth shut with duct tape. Mistress alternated between strokes with the cane, lashes with the whip, and gentle caresses with Her hand. It went on for what seemed like hours and by the end i was in tears, more from the emotional side than from the pain. Mistress constantly whispered in my ear in a soothing voice, comforting and reassuring me and encouraging me to take more of the discipline and pain She wanted me to take. When it was all over, She allowed me to rest my head in Her lap and wiped away my tears. She then gave me a small bottle of water and said "drink this, you look thirsty." At least i thought it was water. After i drank it, Mistress told me it was a bottle full of Her saliva She had been saving up all day. i would gladly drink nothing but!

The dream was so vivid, so real, that when i woke up and was still in that half awake, half sleeping state, i wasn't sure if it had actually happened. i actually went to the mirror and looked for cane marks, and the lack of marks was the only way i was sure it was a dream. Even now, two hours later, i'm not 100% sure. One thing i am absolutely sure of is that my gratitude to Mistress Katya for guiding me on this journey, and my devotion to Her, grows each day.

One final note. Due to a doctor's appointment, Mistress had allowed me to have one of the two keys to my lock this past week. After the first two days i knew i had to do something to help resist the temptation to use the key. There was no way i could allow myself to fail and disappoint Mistress, and also no way i could be dishonest with Her and hide it from Her if i did fail. So, i froze the key in an ice cube, hoping that if i did start to lose my willpower, the time it took for the ice cube to melt and release the key would give me time to recover my senses before i did something stupid i would regret. i'm glad to report that it worked. Just knowing that i didn't have instant access to the key kept me from doing something i'd regret...although one time i did take the ice cube out of the freezer and watched it begin to melt for a minute before i came to my senses and was ashamed at and disappointed in myself. i put it back in the freezer and haven't touched it since. i am truly sorry, Mistress, for that moment of weakness. You are magnificent and my body and my orgasms are Yours, not mine.