It's after 3am, and i'm still awake. i had a wonderful conversation with Mistress yesterday. She really is amazing in every respect and i love having Her in my life. W/we agreed to meet this coming Tuesday, and She ordered my to wear my new latex underwear every day until then. Of course i'm obeying, and the fact that i LOVE the sensation of latex is making it easy to do so. Tonight, i attended a party at a friend's house, with a pair of my latex underwear and a pair or sheer black thigh-high stockings underneath my clothes. Now, laying here in bed, i have added a latex shirt that i bought at the same time as the underwear. It's such an amazing feeling, and of course, it has two major effects: first, the physical sensations of the latex and atockings are a huge turn-on, and second, it keeps Mistress Katya on my mind every second (which is a further turn-on). i can hardly wait to be at Mistress' feet again and feel the overwhelming rush of sensations and emotions that being in Her power brings. Being Her slave, being Her property, and submitting to Her every desire and whim is truly my proper place and function. i never thought i'd meet the Mistress who could make me really feel that and know that with all my being, but i have. i am Mistress Katya's. She owns me, and i am Her true property. It feels more right than anything i've ever known.

Two-parter

Tonight's post comes in two parts. The first part will be what's been going on over the last few days, and the second part will be an open letter to Mistress Katya.

The last week or so has been pretty interesting. i'm finally beginning to get used to the freedom that Mistress has allowed me the last few weeks...just in time for Mistress to take it away, which She has told me She is going to.

Things really started to get interesting on Friday night. After spending Christmas Eve with my family, i went to bed relatively early, at which point i promptly began to have a rather intense dream starring Mistress Katya, Her new Louboutin heels, and Her whips. It was vivid, intense, and marvelous!

The next day, i spent Christmas Day with my girlfriend's family. After which i went to bed at my regular time, and once again promptly had another dream starring Mistress Katya. This one was even more vivid, also involved Her new heels and me worshipping them.

Tonight, i was spending time with my girlfriend. She started playing with my nipples, and as wonderful as it was, i was wishing that my hands were bound behind my back, a ball gag in my mouth, and it was Mistress Katya who had me laying on my side and was playing with my most sensitive areas.

So, i suppose one could say that i have had Mistress on my mind a lot these past few days.

And now, part 2: the open letter to Mistress Katya.

My dearest Mistress Katya,

i hope that You know just how unique, special, and wonderful You are. You have come to mean a great deal to me - more than i ever would have thought possible. i love having You in my life. i love being Yours. i love everything about being Your slave and being owned by You, and i am more grateful than i can properly express for all of that.

You are something truly unique in the world. You are not the "stern, rigid, bitch" Dominatrix. You are strong, one of the strongest people i've ever known, but "stern" is not the word i would use for You. You know what You want, and You are strong and forceful, which is powerful. So powerful it is actually palpable when i am with You.

Your power and control are mesmerizing. You wield them with caring and nuance. You don't need to shout it. You don't even need to speak it. Without a word, it is obvious who is in control, who is the owner, who is to be obeyed. i never needed to be told that i was Yours, never needed to be told that You owned me. i never needed to be told to obey You, to worship You, or to adore You. All of those things are obvious and come naturally from Your innate power, beauty, and control.

i couldn't be happier than i am being Yours...and i am Yours, in every way. You command me with every glance, every whisper, and every touch. i am Yours, i obey You, and i worship You, even when W/we are apart. i will be Yours, forever if You wish.

i love having You in my life and i love that You have chosen to have me in Yours.

i know that "thank You" doesn't even begin to show how grateful i am for You, but here it is: thank You so much, for everthing You do and for everything You are.

A warning - this post may ramble on, or be off-topic. i just needed to let some thoughts and feelings out, and there's no one right now that can do that for me, so here i am.

More and more i have questions about myself. Am i a good person? Am i a good friend? Do i live up to the standards that i expect others to? More and more i don't know the answers t these questions.

Nothing i do seems to go particularly well. At least in the personal relationships realm. i don't know.

Well, it was good just to be able to let it out, even a little.

Wow.  Mentally, i'm still recovering from last night, and i suspect physically as well.

The session included piercing and heavier corporal than i had previously taken.

The piercing was intense, but very cool.  i was nervous about it, never having had it done before.  It definitely hurt a bit when the needles went in (and a bit, but less so, when they came out), but Mistress Katya was wonderful, explaining everything She was doing and putting me very much at ease.  i'm actually looking forward to more of it in the future, maybe with heavier gauge needles (note to MK - yes, You're creating a monster in many ways!).

The corporal was VERY intense.  Mistress used Her Hello Kitty cane (which is cute but PAINFUL), one of Her singletails, and a flogger of Hers.  She kept going until finally She broke me down and made me ask for mercy, which She granted.  It's still racing around in my head, but i think the purpose was two-fold: one, to make me acknowledge that although i want to be everything to Her as a slave and take anything She wishes to give, i do have limits to my tolerances, especially when it comes to pain; and two, to deepen the level of trust (which is VERY deep already) by showing that She will grant mercy when i am pushed beyond my tolerance.  Of course, interpreting Mistress' motives is a dangerous game, and i could be wrong in my interpretation.

Mistress Katya had a final surprise up Her sleeve though - i was sent home without being locked back into my chastity device.  Mistress said She wanted me to taste freedom, and also that She was feeling generous due to the season.  i don't know how long the freedom will last.  i DO know that Mistress intends to lock me back in at some point, and i fear that when that day comes, it will be like starting all over again, and i'll be subject to all the torments that i have been to date.

Mistress instructed me to release before going to bed last night, which i did.  She told me (although She didn't need to) that i should be thinking of Her when i did (i would have been thinking of Her even if She hadn't told me that).

It was a very bizarre mix of emotions and sensations.  It was an intense orgasm - as it has been every time since starting chastity.  i also knew that it was due to Mistress, and that the pleasure and all the sensations belonged to Her, and not to me.  That will be my reality for as long as She chooses to keep me as Her slave.  At the same time, there was a part of me that felt wrong doing it and having the freedom to do so without being under Mistress' watchful eye.  Chastity has become such an integral part of my life that to some degree having the freedom just felt wrong, even though i know it's what Mistress wanted.

So far, it has also been surprising.  i would have thought that having freedom would have meant that i would have wanted to release more often (since i had the ability to), and that i would have erections much more often (since erections were no longer prevented by the device).  So far, neither has been the case.  It's extremely interesting, and i guess i'll have to see what happens as some days go by.

i must say, Mistress Katya continues to surprise me, constantly teaching me new things about myself, introducing me to new sensations and new experiences, and deepening my trust in and admiration of Her.  There are times when i am overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude for the journey She is taking me on, and i wish there was a way i could express the depth of both my emotion and my gratitude so that Mistress could truly know how much She has affected me and how much She means to me.

i almost forgot, i had said at the start of this entry that i think i am still recovering physically as well as mentally.  With the intensity of the session and the pain levels, which were far greater than previous training, i slept late, and am physically drained today.  i'm pretty certain it's due to the intensity level of last night.

Today is a bit of a roller-coaster ride already (in a good way!).  Woke up this morning, after a very fitful sleep (see my previous post), which was, in addition to being fitful, also short.  i spent a lot of time tossing and turning, only was able to fall asleep around 2am, and woke up at 8.  My body and mind's struggles with the chastity device kicked into overdrive a few days ago, and it was particularly bad last night.

This morning i woke up testing the strength of the device yet again.  After laying in bed as motionless as i could for about an hour (when i wake up this way, my nipples and my skin are hypersensitive, and even the sheets brushing against them sets me off), i had finally calmed down enough to start my day.

A few short things on the computer for work and for another project, then a tidy-up downstairs, and then off to Starbucks for coffee and also to get a new bag of beans as the one i had at home was running low.

Just as i get back to the house, a sound comes from my phone.  i check it, and it is Mistress informing me "Tuesday evening, 8 pm...be there".  This, of course, sets off another round of device-testing and the associated hypersensitivity, which has yet to subside.  It's taking every ounce of self-control and discipline i possess right now to type this entry as intelligibly as i am.  i might have even skipped writing it, but i know how much Mistress Katya enjoys reading and knowing about my predicaments and torments...so this is for Her :)

Well, tonight was interesting.  i just spent the last 5 hours at my company's holiday party, and spent all of it with Mistress Katya on my mind.  i can't say that it's unusual, Mistress has been on my mind pretty much all the time for the last few days.  It's been a few days of less than normal amounts of sleep, as the effects of chastity have really kicked in lately.  As i noticed last time, when i am scheduled to see Mistress and then it is postponed, the chastity really kicks into overdrive.  This time i think i was able to handle myself better while on the phone with Mistress, but of course here i am telling Her through this journal that it's gotten really difficult since Thursday.  Having trouble falling asleep, tossing and turning, and waking up early, and straining against the device.  Let me say - this thing has gotten quite a workout and some heavy testing over the last 6 months and it has held up!

Here it is almost 1am and i am unable to fall asleep yet again.  Mistress' standing order when that happens is to write here, so i am. 

i continue to long to be at Her feet again, and the thoughts of whipping, caning, and needles have continued, and continued to give me chills - in the best possible way.  i am having a difficult time waiting for Mistress to take me to the next level, beyond what i've experienced in these areas.  i know it's going to be painful, but i also know it's going to be wonderful.

A dream that was so real

i just had an experience i haven't had in a while.  i went to bed early tonight, around 9 since i was exhausted.  i had a dream involving Mistress Katya that was so vivid and so real that i woke up covered in sweat and i wasn't even sure for a moment or two that it HAD been a dream.

Mistress had run a length of rope under the mattress, so She could have my hands tied above my head and at the other end of the rope my ankles tied together and i was stretched out and couldn't move much.  i was of course in my collar and also gagged and blindfolded.

Mistress started in on me with Her flogger as a warmup but quickly changed over to Her singletails.  Using them on my back, She ramped up the intensity until She finally broke the skin in a number of places.  All the while i was going deeper and deeper into subspace.

When She was satisfied with the whipping, Mistress brought out the needles and further attacked my back, all the while purring encouragement in my ear.  Everything was giving me chills down my spine and i felt like i was in another world.  When Mistress was done, She ran Her fingers gently over the ravaged skin of my back, and it was a good thing i was laying on my stomach because if i had been standing i would have swooned and lost control of my legs.

It was at that point that i woke up - covered in sweat and shaking from the intensity of the dream.

If anyone had told me 6 months ago that i would be dreaming about this, craving it, and anticipating it, i would have told them they were crazy.

But with Mistress Katya, it's natural, and wanting it seems like the most logical, natural thing in the world.  That's what She does for me, and She is really leading me on a wonderful journey that not one other person in the world could have led me on - i thank Her from the bottom of my heart for that.

So, today, things are a little worse.  Last night, Mistress Katya and i scheduled to see each other on Thursday, and today, i am having quite a difficult time, both straining against my device (one would think that by now, my body and mind would have accepted the fact that my erections, pleasure, and release no longer belong to me), but also in the fact that Mistress is on my mind all the time.

Mistress has recently mentioned some areas She wishes to explore that are more in the sadistic arena, and i find myself really wanting to go there.  It's been a while since She has tailored one of O/our sessions around pain, and i must admit that the thought of Her cane, Her whips, and Her floggers have me craving them.  There has also been talk of sounds and needles...neither of which i have experienced before but both of which i am finding extremely intriguing...especially the thought of seeing the pleasure in Mistress Katya's face as She inflicts them on me.  i never thought i'd be craving pain, but Her way of administering it to me makes it a transcendental experience, and being there for Her desires in this realm is just another proof that Mistress Katya is the most perfect Mistress i could ever ask for, and She has captured me completely.  i am Hers, in every way :)

Tonight's post has 2 parts, and each will be distinct in its content and flavor.

Part 1 - my condition
It has been almost 3 weeks since my last session with Mistress Katya, and this past weekend was more difficult than usual chastity-wise.  It was the last weekend of the show i was doing, and there was one particular young woman in the show, with whom i got along famously (and that's not sarcastic, we actually do get along incredibly well), who also happens to be stunningly beautiful, and dresses in such a way as to stoke many of my fetishes and desires - stiletto heels, stockings, and skirts - this is her everyday wardrobe, not her costume.  She has also taken to using a spot in the dressing room next to mine, and changing into her costume, which starts with stripping down to a bodystocking and then putting on a corset.  i would imagine anyone reading this who knows me would have quite a good idea of the effects all of this would have on me.  So there has been some extra straining against the device this weekend, and in fact, it continues right now as i write this and the images reappear in my mind's eye.  i'm just glad that my device is silicone rubber and not hard plastic - i'd be in some serious pain right now if it were acrylic.

Part 2 - reflections on a holiday
This past Thursday was Thanksgiving.  Having had a wonderful evening having dinner with Mistress Katya on Tuesday, i had particular reason for reflection at Thanksgiving this year.  i'm thankful for many things, but i'll skip the usual (read: mundane) ones and focus here on the relevant one.  i am thankful for Mistress Katya.  Words cannot properly express exactly how i feel.  She is wonderful, and back in June when i had told Her that i wanted something deeper than i had experienced in the scene thus far, i had no idea that it was to blossom into a journey and a relationship that is truly beyond my imagination and beyond what i could have asked for.  She is my Mistress, my friend, my confidant, and my guide.  i am safe with Her, and that is a wondrous feeling.  Even when She is tormenting me or indulging Her more sadistic side, i know i am safe, even though i may be in pain.  There is nothing - no exaggeration, nothing - that She could ask of me that i would refuse.  i am thankful to have Her in my life, and i have, and will continue, to make sure She knows this 365 days a year and not just on Thanksgiving.

Update to my last post

Knowing of the phenomenon (increased longing, straining, and hypersensitivity when a scheduled meeting is postponed) does not alleviate the symptoms nor does it make them easier to endure.

It's been very difficult to concentrate today, and tonight's rehearsal should be, at the very least, an interesting (and most probably trying) experience.  Especially since one particular actress in the show (we're not working with costumes yet) has a personal style that involves wearing marvelous dresses and/or skirts along with stockings and heels.  i know it's not the case because she's always dressed that way but it's as if she knew my weaknesses and also my chastity situation and enjoys tormenting me almost as much as Mistress Katya does.

An interesting phenomenon

i've discovered an interesting phenomenon this week.  i was originally supposed to see Mistress Katya on Monday night, but She had to reschedule.  Of course, i completely understand and agree that She needs to take care of the things in Her life that She needs to.

This is (i think) the third time in O/our time together that Mistress has had to reschedule (all for completely legitimate reasons), and this time i noticed something.  i can be going along fine in chastity for weeks at a time, but if i am supposed to meet with Mistress, and then it is postponed, that's when the straining, longing, and hypersensitivity go off the charts.  It's only this time around that i noticed the pattern (yes, that means that the straining, longing, and hypersensitivity are here right now!).

Maybe now that i recognize the pattern, i'll be able to handle it better?  i'm not sure, but i'm going to give it a shot.  At the same time, just because i've had a realization doesn't mean that i'm not longing to see Mistress Katya (which is scheduled to happen tomorrow).  i am longing, very much.  i love being at Her feet, in Her complete control, being helpless before Her.  It's a kind of mental and emotional freedom to place yourself totally in the hands of someone you trust 1000% (yes, that's a thousand percent, it's not a typo) that i can't even describe properly - it has to be experienced.  Yet another in a long list of reasons i am grateful, and always will be, for Mistress Katya.

i haven't been sleeping particularly well for the last week.  i don't think it's directly related to my chastity, but the fact is it's there.

i know that i miss Mistress Katya even though it's only been a little over a week.  i know that i'm hoping to be allowed to see Her very soon.

On the plus side, my tiredness and fatigue has minimized the amount that i've been straining against my chastity.  When i say "straining", i mean physically, and that's involuntary.  i don't decide to struggle against it - my body just does, on its own.

Everything is still teaching me a great deal about myself.  This journal is aptly named - it really is a Journey.  For that, i will always be grateful.  For Mistress Katya most of all.  None of it would have happened without Her, Her wisdom, Her patience, and Her guidance.

On that note, i'm going to try to get some sleep tonight.

As i suspected, i am so wound up about tonight that i am useless for anything else today.  i told my office that i wasn't feeling well and would be taking things easy today (i work from home most days so they can't see the state i'm really in!).  i'm not really able to concentrate on anything (i've lost count already of the number of times i've had to backspace and correct spelling errors while typing this very post) and thoughts of Mistress Katya are pushing all other thoughts out of my head.  It's less than 5 hours now until O/our scheduled meeting time and it feels more and more like i'm going to be completely unable to do anything else by then.  i ache to be at Mistress' feet, serve Her, and be tormented by Her.  It is my place.

If i make it through the day today it'll be a miracle. i'm seriously considering calling in sick to work because i'm so on edge about meeting Mistress Katya tonight that i'm pretty useless. i had an experience last night - i would normally say "dream" but it was so vivid that although my brain tells me it was a dream the rest of me still isn't sure. The only way i know for sure it wasn't real is there's no writing on me. During the dream Mistress Katya took a Sharpie and wrote "Property of Mistress Katya" on my chest. Just the thought of that is so hot that i'm going to bring a Sharpie tonight!

i was doing OK in chastity this time until yesterday. With all the physical contact due to the end of my show (see previous post) and then this dream, i came as close as i've ever come to bursting the chastity device. Of course it didn't burst, it held tight - and i mean TIGHT! Right now every nerve ending is on fire and it's taking every bit of willpower and concentration i have to be lucid and coherent writing this.

i don't know what torments and tortures Mistress Katya has in store for me tonight but i'll be a quivering mass of jelly all day today just thinking about it.

But i'm HER quivering mass of jelly :)

A quick addendum to my earlier post...

Today and tonight, as enraptured as i am with Mistress Katya, were still difficult. It was closing day of my show, and my body was extra-sensitive. Testing the strength of the device, nipples uber-sensitive to the slightest touch or even fabric rubbing against them, skin reacting to the slightest touch of someone's hand. As there always is on a closing day, there was a lot of hugging, and i had to take a moment after each one to recover due to the heightened sensations. i'm sure that people thought i was very emotional about the end of this show...the truth is every nerve ending in my body was on overload and that took a huge toll on me. It drained me to the point where i took a 3 hour nap when i got home. The hugs/kisses on the cheek/etc. from the women in the cast were particularly difficult...most of all from a young woman who physically reminds me of Mistress Katya. Red hair, piercing eyes, very beautiful (doesn't actually hold a candle to Mistress, but reminds me of Her). Her hug almost sent me over the edge because it brought up all the sensations of being with Mistress.

It was like running a gauntlet designed to light every nerve ending on fire, and i can say that the ride home and the next few hours tested the strength of my chastity device. Even now, about 5 hours later, i'm still hypersensitive and just beginning to calm down. The only reason i was able to nap was because i was absolutely drained.

i dedicate today's torment to my Mistress, who i'm sure will enjoy knowing that it was intense, extended, and exquisite.

Today was both a bit of a disappointment and a realization. Disappoitment in that Mistress Katya and i were supposed to see each other but She had to reschedule due to the fact She was under the weather. To be precise, i was disappointed by the situation - not by Mistress. i could never be disappointed by Her. It's been three weeks since i've seen Her and i'm longing to be at Her feet again - craving Her torments, Her touch, Her cane, Her whips, everything about Her. Anticipating breathlessly how She will take me even deeper into submission to Her.

Mistress Katya is magnificent. i feel sorry for those who never got a chance to know Her. Of course, some would not have appreciated Her. Mistress is the most genuine, no-nonsense, what-you-see-is-what-you-get person i've ever known, and most subs nowadays are in it for their own quick gratification and don't want genuine. They want an actress or a stripper with a whip who's going to act out *their* fantasies. It's just another way to get their rocks off. These so-called subs wouldn't even realize how wondetful Mistress Katya is.

You'll notice that i used the word "person" above, not "Mistress". That's because the genuine part of Her is beyond that. She is who She is, Domme or otherwise. Magnificent and truly awe-inspiring.

Now to the realization. That genuine-ness, that honesty, that natural power - the beauty of who Mistress Katya IS - that is why i grow more devoted to Her each day. i know i'm starting to get into the time when my chastity begins to affect my emotions a lot, but what i write here is only partially because of that. i have chosen to fully submit myself and to give all the power and control to Mistress Katya because there has never been anyone who was such a perfect match for me, who knew exactly what i needed, who gave me what i needed and not necessarily what i wanted, and who cared about me as much.

Yes, folks, that's right. The secret's out - Mistress Katya cares. Make no mistake...She is in charge and She will use Her power and control to get what She wants...but She does care and for that i am in awe of Her and eternally grateful.

Didn't sleep well again last night. The last week or so has been very fitful sleep, waking up 3-4 times during each night. Last night it was only tangentially related to my chastity. i still love that every waking moment i have a reminder of who i belong to and who has ultimate power and control over me.

Even though the tossing and turning last night wasn't really caused by chastity, i still woke up with my nipples so sensitive and so hard they could cut glass - which of course meant that even the slightest brush of anything, even the bedsheet, against them set off a chain reaction which made Mistress Katya's cock (see, i got it right that time because She owns it, not me) to grow the little bit that it can inside its prison and try to break free. Once again it was thwarted by the device, and i was actually grateful for that. Mistress Katya is teaching me to appreciate my orgasms more, and i fear that if i had been free this morning, i wouldn't have had the willpower to resist and i would have wasted a precious orgasm.

She is also teaching me that any orgasm i am allowed is not for my pleasure but for Hers. i'm finally starting to really understand that deep down in my core. The true understanding and acceptance of that is really amazing. Yet another thing i have to be eternally grateful to Mistress Katya for.

As i go deeper and deeper down this rabbit hole, further along this journey, the more and more grateful i become to have a Mistress, Owner, and Teacher who is so wise and who knows why i am here and how to guide me.

Thank You always, my wonderful, amazing Mistress.

Finally fell asleep very late, and woke up early. Not a good combination. Woke up testing the structral integrity of my chastity device. i had a dream last night that featured Mistress Katya. i don't remember the details but judging from the fact that my cock - my apologies i should say Her cock since it belongs to Her - was trying to break out of its captivity, and the light sheen of sweat that covered my skin, it was an intense one. i've calmed down some since, and taken a cool shower so i'm better for the moment. Of course, now i have to get dressed for the day which means putting on panties and stockings so i wonder if i'll stay OK for long.

i ask myself all the time what people would say if they knew what was under my clothes - the device, the panties, the stockings. Would they understand? Would they be capable of understanding how all of that is wonderful, how it is all in service to Mistress Katya, which is so fulfilling to me? Or would they just think i was nuts?

Having trouble falling asleep tonight. Restlessness from the chastity device definitely tweaked up a little today. Mistress Katya was in my thoughts quite a bit. No daydreams per se, but i am a little concerned about what dreams i may have when i do finally fall asleep tonight.

Mistress told me back at the beginning that chastity was all about control and discipline, and like She always is, She was 100% right. i never doubt anything She tells me because She always turns out to be right, even when i might not believe it at first.

i'm going to try and harness some of that discipline to get myself to sleep. i'll write about the outcome and any dreams tomorrow morning.

i may have spoken too soon!  i'm definitely starting to get antsy as this week goes on.  It's not too bad yet, but i'm hoping that it doesn't keep increasing.  Mistress Katya wants to see me on Sunday, and i pray two things - first, that She doesn't make me wait beyond Sunday (She's done that before just so i'm in more torment, and although i will continue to obey anything She says, i really do hope She doesn't reschedule this time...i miss Her very much), and that the effects of the chastity don't get too bad before then.

My transformation

As i lay in bed this morning after waking, my mind was racing. Thinking of many of the things i've been intoduced to and experienced with Mistress Katya. Some of those things have scared the hell out of me in the past, but with Mistress, i submit to them freely, even eagerly. A mental image came through my head of being bound, caned and whipped severely, and then Mistress burning off the small amount of body hair i naturally have. Chills down my spine. The thought of needle play. More chills. The thought of seeing the pleasure on Her face knowing that She holds so much power, control, and influence over me that i not only submit to what She wants to inflict on me, i WANT and CRAVE Her torments.

So what is the transformation? When i realized that Mistress Katya has turned me into a slut for Her enjoyment and the things She loves. And i adore Her and thank Her for it. A true slut, yes?

This morning, i wasn't particularly straining against my device, but i did have an interesting sensation.  i woke up thinking "wow, i would really love to masturbate", but of course, i couldn't.  About 20 minutes after waking up, i was glad - very glad - that i am locked into chastity and therefore couldn't masturbate.  It's difficult to put into words, but i am coming to appreciate the control and discipline that is forced on my by my chastity.  Plus, i know Mistress Katya likes it when my body betrays me and i wind up in torment (even if it's mild torment) for a while.

i do love the constant sensation of the device, and the reminder it is of who i belong to.  As i sit here writing this, i am acutely aware of the sensations of the device, and i realize that in addition to loving being in Mistress' control, and loving the fact that i belong to Her, and even loving the torment when i wake up straining against the device, i am coming to enjoy the sensations of the device itself, and all the emotions and reminders those sensations bring.

i really did need to have control of my dick taken away from me.  i never knew it, but i needed it.

Once again, as always, thank You, Mistress Katya :)

For the first time since my last release, i woke up today straining against my chastity device. This was mainly due to a very vivid dream i had of Mistress putting me in strict bondage, blindfolding and gagging me, and then teasing and tormenting my nipples for what seemed like hours.

Blindfolding me is one of the cruelest torments Mistress Katya imposes on me. She is so stunningly gorgeous that it is really torment to know that She is there but i cannot see Her. It also deprives me of the ability to see the smile and glow that come across Her face when She is enjoying Her power over me and the torments She chooses to make me endure. i know it's selfish but i really do enjoy seeing Her light up like that.

Anyway, back to this morning. Woke up straining and realized - i love that i no longer control my own body. i love that Mistress Katya is my Owner, my trainer, and my tormenter, 24/7. Yes, it's intense. Yes, it's almost unbearable at times. Yes, i walk around with a constant reminder of Mistress Katya locked on to me and it makes me think of Her all the time.

And yes, i love it all. It's what i've needed for so long and i never knew it. But Mistress, in Her infinite wisdom and Her ability to read me body mind and soul like an open book, knew it. My incredible, intuitive, sadistic, and at times almost telepathic Mistress knew it was exactly what i needed.

Thank You, Mistress Katya. My devotion to You grows each day, with each new realization and each new experience. You have already taught me so much about myself and You continue to do so. Thank You from the depths of my heart for taking me on this wonderful journey.

And even for the canings :)

So much for getting to sleep early. A final thought for the evening:

As i lay here, i am in many ways no longer what i was a short 4 months ago. i lay here, in frilly panties and stockings, locked into a chastity device for which i do not have a key, and with a butt plug up my ass. i would have been scared, nervous, and embarrassed about all of those things before i was taken into training by Mistress Katya.

Now, as i lay here experiencing all those things at once, i know this - i am not afraid. Of these things or any way that Mistress wishes me to serve Her or anything She wishes me to endure. i may be apprehensive, but never afraid. i want to please Her, more than anyhing. i want to see the pleasure in Her face and hear it in Her voice as She sees and knows just how much power and control She has over me. And the best part is that with chastity, She has that control 24/7/365, even when we are not physically together. THAT'S powerful stuff and i love it.

OK, i promised an update later tonight and so here it is.  i was about halfway successful.  i was definitely able to calm myself and somewhat get my mind and body under control.  i am still longing for Mistress, and still thinking of Her, but i was able to turn it down from about a 6 to about a 3 (on a 1-10 scale).  Of course it's still there at a 3.  It's always there, it never goes completely away.

It's starting again.  The buildup, the cravings, the longing to be at Mistress Katya's feet.  i was OK most of the day but just now, laying on my bed, a wave of it all came over me.  Mistress said that when i have these things happen i should write here, and so i am.

i find myself dreaming (daydreaming and at night) about the next time i am at Her feet, being controlled by Her, serving Her, being disciplined by Her.  Even the thought of it is mesmerizing.  Of course, those thoughts trigger other feelings and sensations in me, which are frustrated by my being locked in chastity.  i have to admit, Mistress Katya really knew what She was doing when She agreed to lock me in.  She knew i would need it...She knew i needed the control and discipline...She knew i needed to be kept from indulging my own weakness.  How She knew, i have no idea, but She knew then and She knows now.  i have to admit, it's a little mind-boggling how well She knows me, at times even better than i know myself.  But that's what makes Her so amazing to serve, so amazing to be owned by.  That's what makes Her intoxicating.  That's what makes Her so far beyond anyone i've ever met that sometimes it's hard to believe She's not super-human.

i have to stop this, i'm working myself up into a frenzy.  i think it's time for some deep meditation, hopefully i can use it like i used it the last time to get my mind and my body under control.  i'll update when i can, and document the outcome of tonight - whether i'm able to get myself under control, or whether i begin to go down the spiral into torment again.

Good Lord.  It's only been 9 days and it's starting a little again.  Last night i was definitely feeling it a little.  Not anywhere near the unbearableness (is that even a word?) of the week leading up to the last session, but just starting to be there in the back of my mind.  Right now, i'd say about a 3 on a 1-10 scale (for reference, the by the week leading up to the last session with Mistress Katya it was probably a 9.  i'm tempted to say 12 because it was so intense but that would be a bit of an exaggeration - but it was very very close to the point where i'd go crazy).

Last time was almost 5 weeks in chastity without a release, and it took about 4 weeks of that to build up to the frenzy point.  i was pretty good for the first 6 or 7 days this time, but in the last 2 days i've noticed it just beginning to build, sort of like a low humming in the background (i know i don't describe it well).

my goal is to get better and better at handling it so that i may please Mistress Katya more and more, and also because i know (and She has stated) that more discipline and control make me a better slave and a better person.  She really is teaching me so much about myself and She really is helping me to become a better, more disciplined person.  There is so much more to the mental and emotional side of true training as Mistress is leading me through than i ever thought.  It's pretty amazing and i will thank Her each and every day for it.

Monday night.  It's now been close to 48 hours since i saw Mistress Katya, and i'm finally coherent enough to write about it - i think.  She had agreed to meet me after my rehearsal on Monday, which meant that we were going to start around midnight.  The session was the most intense i've ever experienced.

Each and every thing that happened was charged with electricity.  Polishing Mistress' latex, which is a regular occurrence in O/our sessions, was a supercharged activity, sensation-wise.  i almost couldn't concentrate enough to properly do it.

Then Mistress had me bend over the bed and She began to cane me.  During this, i learned the first lesson that i was to learn that night.  It was pure agony while the caning was happening, but the afterglow sensations after Mistress Katya had finished were heaven.  First lesson: although the pain is agonizing, i crave Her canings because of the feelings afterwards.  Also because i know how much Mistress loves caning me.

Then, it was time for something new.  Latex play.  Mistress put an inflatable latex hood on me, which was a complete first.  i'd never had anything like that on me before.  It was a bit claustrophobic, but there was no panic (i'm not naturally claustrophobic, that was just the best way i could describe what the hood felt like).  i trust Mistress beyond words and that kept me calm.  Then She put me into a latex body bag and bound me inside it.  As moments passed, i was further and further gone, into bliss.  The bag was tight against my skin, and it felt like it had melded with my skin.  It didn't feel like there was a layer on top of my skin - it felt like my skin had absorbed the latex and had become this slick, slippery thing.  Sensations were heightened.  Every touch of Mistress' hands felt like it was reaching into my body and stimulating every nerve ending directly.  At this point, i was still locked into the chastity device.  Mistress was bringing me to the absolute edge of ecstasy and holding me there.  i never knew sensations like this existed, let alone could be sustained for so long.  Mistress inflated the hood even more and the latex pressed against my head and face.  i was so far gone i wasn't even on the same planet anymore.  When She removed the chastity device and zipped me back into the bag completely, i was in heaven.  The latex covering my skin and the feeling of Mistress Katya's latex-clad skin next to mine was overloading my senses and it was amazing.  When She commanded me to orgasm, it went on for what seemed like minutes.  i've never experienced an orgasm that was even 1/10th that powerful ever in my life.  Second lesson of the night: i LOVE latex and the heightened sensations it brings.  Third lesson, learned at the same time as #2: Mistress Katya can read my body and mind like a book, and knows just exactly how to push me right to the edge, keep me there as long as She wants, then with nothing more than a nudge, send me over the edge into absolute ecstasy and bliss.

It took me probably 5 or 10 minutes before i could even speak coherently.  i know i didn't properly express my feelings or gratitude to Mistress that night.  i couldn't.  my brain was overloaded and wouldn't recover fully for more than 24 hours, closer to 48.  And my body?  SPENT!  i think my body still hasn't fully recovered.

If i wasn't eternally grateful for Mistress Katya before, i am now.

It's been a few days since my last post.  The weekend was torment.  On Thursday, i was told by Mistress Katya that we would be meeting Sunday night.  That made it very impossible for me to think of anything else.  This last week has been more intense than i could have imagined at the beginning of my training.  i know it pleases Mistress for me to be in such torment, though, and knowing it pleases Her is pretty much the only thing that is keeping me sane at this point.  i haven't slept well since last Sunday - i've gotten a few hours a night, but there's been a lot of tossing and turning and the chastity device has been severely pressure-tested (it passed the tests with flying colors and kept me in torment).

i've become very emotional over the last week too.  my devotion to Mistress Katya has skyrocketed, and so has my desire to be at Her feet.  i really had no idea back in June when we reconnected that things would go so far so fast and that it would be this intense.  It's like nothing else i've ever experienced, and it's magnificent.  She is magnificent.  Every day i think "i couldn't possibly be more devoted to Her than i am", and the next day i look back and my devotion has grown.

To get back to the narrative, on Sunday late afternoon, Mistress sent me a text message saying that She was going to make me suffer a little more and that She was postponing until Monday night.  This set off a  wave of panic in me that possibly i had displeased Her, and also a lot of pent-up longing for Her that honestly made me tear up and one of the tears did roll down my cheek.  Her hold on me is so powerful that i can be brought to tears via remote control ;)

After much pleading and back-and-forth emails, it was decided that i would be allowed to meet Mistress late Monday night.  i said some very emotional things in my emails, and i hope they came across well.  i'm going to try to express my feelings in person, but i fear i may be too overwhelmed with emotion and become tongue-tied.  Nevertheless, i'm going to try.  Mistress Katya deserves to hear these things said out loud, and not just read them in an email.  She has come to mean so much to me, and i want Her to always know how appreciated, valued, and wonderful She is.

Mistress has been constantly in the forefront of my mind the last few days, without break.  Everything reminds me of Her, even things that have no connection to Her.  She is the ultimate power in my life, and i could not be happier than i am in Her complete and utter control.  She is what i have been searching for for so long...i was searching and i didn't even know what it was i was searching for.  i revel in my torments because i know that me tormented pleases Her, and that's all i need to know.

Torment, day 3

i don't know how readable this post is going to be, i'm a bit sleep-deprived and distracted.  After another fitful night where i only slept for about 4 hours i woke up at 6am writhing straining against my chastity device and with every nerve ending on overload.  The only reason i'm even coherent enough to write is that i spent 2 hours in meditation which calmed me down a lot.  i needed to do something to get myself under control.  It really felt like over the last 3 days i was spinning out of control and it was starting to get a little scary.  The meditation helped a LOT.  i'm still on edge, at least as far as my nerve endings go but at least i can function.  It also helped that the actress who has been such a turn-on for me was not at rehearsal last night.  Mistress Katya has decided that i must wait until Sunday evening to see Her, and so i'll have to use everything i know to hold out until then.  i'm thinking a LOT of meditation and cold showers!  i really thought i was going to go over the edge early this morning and if the meditation hadn't helped i don't know what i would have done.  Thank God it did.  One final thought: although the last 3 days have been absolute torment, i wouldn't trade it for the world.  i know it pleases Mistress and the feeling of being in Her control and knowing my torment pleases Her and is what She wants is even more overwhelming than the torment itself.  Thank You, Mistress Katya, from the bottom of my heart.

Whimper

It didn't get any better.  i wasn't able to get Mistress out of my mind or to stop the arousal before having to leave for rehearsal last night.  And then it got worse.  The actress i have formerly mentioned in older posts was in attendance again, and this time it was as if she were intentionally trying to drive me crazy.  She was wearing what must have been 5" spike heels, skin-tight black leggings, and a minidress that barely came down below her behind.  As we sat next to each other and talked, my cock was raging in its silicone prison.  It doesn't help that she is a redhead (dyed, but still), and that, of course, reminds me of Mistress Katya.  So it's a double-whammy, mentally.  i haven't slept well the last 2 nights because of the constant arousal either.  i should clarify some.  It's not constant, 24 hours a day, every single minute.  There are times when the arousal goes away for a few minutes - and when i say a few minutes, that's exactly what i mean - maybe 5 or 10 minutes, and then it's back.  i'm on edge all the waking day, and i toss and turn in bed at night.  Especially at night, when one of the 5 or 10 minute breaks comes, i think "oh, thank God, it's over..." and then it comes back, and i'm reduced to whimpering, wondering how long this torment will last.  Today's the second day, and it's bad.  Really bad.  But you know what the worst (and most messed-up) part of it is?

i want it.  i crave it.  i LOVE being in Mistress' control and being tormented like this, even when i am not physically in Her presence.  i adore Her and the torture i am going through at Her pleasure.  i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

But - i'm also approaching a breaking point - and i may beg Mistress for release soon.  If this doesn't stop on its own in the next day or so, i'll be a useless, whimpering, quivering mass of jelly.  What scares me to the core and sends chills down my spine, though, is the knowledge that, despite it all, i would (and will) endure it as long as Mistress Katya wants me to.  i could not bear the thought of disappointing Her, and if it is Her desire to see me suffering, even to the extreme, i would have no choice but to continue to offer Her the gift of my torment.

That's my dilemna.

Wow.  Just a quick update to say that today is getting ridiculous.  i CANNOT stop thinking about Mistress, and i have been straining hard against my chastity device since i woke up this morning.  i don't know what i'm going to do - i need to be able to concentrate, otherwise i have no idea how i'm going to make it through rehearsal tonight.  Today's the worst day in that regard since i began chastity with Mistress.  It's been 8 hours since i woke up and there's no sign of relief.

Did more training with the largest butt plug today, had it in for about an hour.  It still hurts some going in and coming out, when i get to the widest point.  But it's getting there, hopefully with a little training every day i'll soon be where Mistress wants me to be.

Every day this journey brings a little surprise.  This weekend, i did a shoot on Sunday for an indie film a friend is making.  i was playing the role of a doctor, in full surgical getup.  This included latex gloves - my first experience with wearing any kind of latex.  i totally understand now why Mistress Katya loves it so much!  The sensations are hard to describe, but suffice to say it was a totally pleasurable experience!

i'm also progressing with my anal training.  i'm only using the largest plug Mistress gave me now, and i'm using it for at least an hour each day.

The thought came into my head this morning that Mistress Katya is turning me into quite Her little slut - i'm enjoying Her chastity control of me, i'm finding the anal training is becoming a pleasurable experience, and i'm coming to crave Her canes and whips.  i wear panties and stockings every day at Her request and i love it!  Honestly, i'm loving being trained and transformed into Mistress Katya's perfect ideal of a slave.  The deeper i go into this journey, the more i realize that giving complete control to a wonderful Mistress is exactly what i've wanted for so very long.  It was what was missing from my life.  Mistress Katya having such powerful and pervasive control over so many aspects of me and my life is so far beyond the cookie-cutter "sessions" i'd encountered in my previous experiences in BDSM, and it's so much more intense and meaningful.  To really be Hers, to know that She owns me and controls me, to have reminders of Her control every day (every hour, really!) throughout the day, even when i'm doing the most basic, pedestrian things, is a mind-blowing experience.

Each experience makes me want the transformation even more.  i want to be the slave that Mistress Katya can use in any way that pleases Her.  If She needs to beat someone, i will be Her target.  If She needs service, i will serve Her.  If She needs anything in the world, i will be there for Her.  i don't say things like this lightly, and it takes quite a bit for someone to affect me in the way Mistress Katya has.  But She has, and it has been, and continues to be, the best journey i've ever been on.  i adore my Mistress and Owner, and will do everything in my power to please Her, be pleasing to Her, contribute to Her happiness, and continually show Her how grateful i am for Her.

Oh my God!  Today has been incredible so far!  The sensations of the chastity device, large butt plug (i've had it in for about 4 hours now), panties, and stockings are driving me wild!  The combination has me straining against the chastity device, and my nipples could cut glass, they're so hard.  The sensation of being filled in the rear and being held in in the front, when put together, are an amazing combination.  The only thing that could make this better right now is if i were on my knees worshipping Mistress' feet and legs.  It's been less than a week, but if these sensations continue i'm going to have to beg to see Her.

i'm not sure what to make of today and the last 12 hours.  i didn't sleep well last night.  i had disturbing dreams, which made for a very fitful night.  i probably should have written earlier this morning, because now the contents of the dreams are gone, but i know they were disturbing and not pleasant.  i haven't had a night like that in quite some time.

Rehearsal last night was torment again.  The first actress i had mentioned in this journal was there again, and we talked quite a bit.  Once again, she was wearing a skirt, stockings, and spike heels.  The way she dresses (it's always classy, not trashy), the way she talks, and her personality are huge turn-ons for me.  Being in stockings, panties, and the chastity device only add to my excitement, so when i'm sitting next to her talking with her, it's a good thing i'm in the device, otherwise i'd have a very embarrassing moment when i had to stand up to do my scenes!

This morning, i reached a milestone.  i got my courage up, and attempted to insert the largest of the butt plugs that Mistress Katya had given me to train with.  With much patience, taking it easy, and my mind in control, willing my muscles to relax, i was able to insert it fully!  There was a bit of pain when the widest part was going in, but it wasn't too bad, and i was able to breathe through it, and then the plug narrows after that.  i was really hoping i would be able to do it today, because i know that Mistress wants me to be more ready for Her when She wants to use Her strap-on.  i want so badly to give Her everything She wants, and be a slave that is everything She wants a slave to be.

So far, this week has been very interesting.  On Sunday, Mistress gave me a set of butt plugs to begin training myself with, so that once accustomed to it, She will be able to use Her strap-on on me without too much pain.  i was exhausted after O/our training on Sunday, so i began on Monday.  If i thought that the sensations of being in Her chastity device 24/7 were intense, i didn't know anything.  It's much more intense being in the chastity device, and having one of the plugs inserted at the same time.  My entire lower body is constantly reminded that i belong to Mistress Katya and She controls me.  Between the chastity device, the butt plug, panties, and stockings (Mistress is having me wear panties and stockings instead of male underwear), i've got sensations going on all over the place, and at times, it's overwhelming...but it's incredible at the same time.  The stockings especially are having quite an effect on me.  They feel sooooo good.  i find myself rubbing my legs together or caressing them with my hands at times just because it feels so good.  It's definitely affecting my feminine side.  Honestly, i don't know why more women don't wear stockings all the time since they feel so damn good!

The butt plug is definitely a new experience for me, but not an unpleasant one.  Right now, i can have it in for a few hours at a time.  i'm using the middle sized one.  The large one, at its largest point, is about 75% bigger than the one i'm using now...so i'm not sure how long it's going to take to work up to that one.  i'm hoping to give it a shot in the next few days.  i have no idea whether or not i'll be able to take it yet, but i'm going to try.

i got really turned on at rehearsal again last night.  There's a woman there who i think is flirting with me - of course, i'm absolutely terrible at being able to accurately judge these things, and i also think that she has a boyfriend, so i may very well be wrong.  Or perhaps it may be all my new sensations (chastity, stockings, etc.) that are fooling my mind.  But Julie (that's her name) is paired up with me in a couple of points through the show, and she's definitely causing some arousal and straining against the device!

Mistress Katya continues to amaze me, all the time.  Last night we met, and She showed me the new Hello Kitty cane She had made and intended on using on me.  As far as pain goes, the cane is probably one of my most feared implements.  i can't say why, but for me it hurts more than just about anything else.  It gives Mistress much joy to use it, though, and that is reason enough for me to endure anything She inflicts on me.

Mistress also had me massage Her feet and polish Her latex outfit (both of which are almost staples of our meetings at this point - and both of which i think are mutually enjoyable for Mistress and me).

Then, she informed me that She was going to introduce me to fire and wax play.  Now, i will admit, that i was a bit apprehensive about wax, as the last time i had made a foray into "the scene" a few years ago, i had a bad experience in wax play with an inexperienced Mistress, which left me with second-degree burns on my lower back.  Everything healed and there is no permanent damage, other than some discoloration of the skin, which at this point will likely be permanent.  So, i was a bit nervous about wax.

However, Mistress Katya, being as awesome and wonderful as She is, knew how to put me at ease, even before i had told Her of my previous bad experience.  It's further confirmation (not that i needed any) that i have not made a mistake by having absolute trust in Her.  i know it's going to sound odd, but She makes me feel safe and cared for, even when She's abusing me - it's quite a talent, and one i've not come across before.  She really is something special.

Once Mistress was done with that, She bound me on the bed for a caning with the new HK cane, and also to use one of Her whips on me (it's the second time She's used that whip, and i'm still not sure what the proper name for it is).  It was painful, but i have come to want Mistress' corporal punishment, and i KNOW that She enjoys it.  A big smile comes over Her face, Her eyes light up, and one can hear it in Her voice - She's really into it, and it means a lot that i can give Her something in my submission that She enjoys so much.

Then it came to the big question of the night.  Was i to release, or was i to go back into chastity without a release?  Mistress lay down next to me on the bed, and whispering in my ear, said that She was going to reward me...and that reward meant going back into chastity without release.

That may sound counterintuitive - but i have come to learn from personal experience that NOT having a release is actually more merciful than having one.  When in chastity, if you are granted a release and then put back into chastity, what happens is that your body thinks "hey, that whole thing is over!", and it takes at least a week for the subconscious to realize that no, the chastity is still there.  During that week, all the straining, all the sleeplessness, and all the dreams are back with a vengeance.  So, once you've started chastity, it really is more merciful to be denied a release.

Afterwards, we chatted a bit.  i have to say, Mistress Katya is just as amazing as a person as She is as a Mistress, and i would walk through fire for Her.

Holy crap! i woke up this morning throbbing, and it was made 10 times worse when i checked my phone and saw a new post on twitter from Mistress, who apparently has a new toy and intends on using it on me tonight. i don't know what it is, and i'm sure Mistress wouldn't tell me even if i begged Her.

It's already amazing and humbling, and i feel so honored whenever Mistress posts something related to me. It sends chills down my spine (in the best possible way). When She posts something like She did today, it pretty much pushes me over the edge! On these days it's a very good thing She has me in chastity...i'm not sure i'd have the willpower if i were still on the honor system. i'd do my best, of course. i never, ever want to disobey or disappoint Mistress. To see a look of disappointment in Her eyes would crush me. i'm just not sure i'd be strong enough. Naturally, Mistress has made it unnecessary, amd by being locked in i have no choice! Being in the control of someone as wonderful as Mistress Katya is, i now realize, what i've always wanted, and i feel that more each day. I want to have no choice, to be in Her power every minute of every day, even when She is not physically present. It's an intense and powerful feeling, almost overwhelming at times.

But it's also an amazing feeling, and it's beyond doubt that Mistress Katya is the one who, with Her power, caring, and every wonderful attribute, deserves, and will always have, this power and control.

i'm updating as promised, even though the session didn't happen. Mistress Katya called and rescheduled. Of course it was because She wasn't feeling well, and Her health, well-being, and enjoyment comes first. And the fact that i would do anything for Her.

That's not why i'm posting, though. i had a very interesting night. As the day went on, my sexual arousement grew. Later, a very interesting and confusing thing happened. At the same time that i was feeling masculine arousal, all of a sudden i had a very feminine feeling come over me caused by the panties and stockings i was wearing. i can't explain it...i've been wearing panties and stockings for a few weeks now at Mistress Katya's instruction. i've never had this feeling occur before. It was strange and exquisite at the same time. i'll have to talk to Mistress about it.

i'm not going to beg...i'm not going to beg...i'm not going to beg...

Yes, that's me repeating my mantra...as the hours pass and my meeting with Mistress Katya comes closer (less than 7 hours to go!) i'm becoming more and more aroused - at least as far as the device will let me - and more and more distracted.  i can't wait to see Her, and can't wait to find out what She has in store for me tonight.  i find myself daydreaming of Her, and i may need to take a break from work just to clear my head and be able to get some things done this afternoon.

i don't want to beg, because it's not yet at the point where i absolutely can't take it anymore.  That is when Mistress said i should beg, and not before.  Right now, it's just hugely arousing and distracting, but i can still handle it at this level (i think!  i hope!).

More news later after seeing Mistress!

i promised an update after the dance rehearsal tonight, and here it is!

Let me just start by saying it's a really good thing that i wore tight panties that kept the chastity device from moving around all over the place.  Both for comfort, and also because having the device flop around all over the place will make it more noticeable as well.

It was OK, i didn't have any issues with it being uncomfortable.  i still have issues with being self-conscious about it in certain circumstances, and this was definitely one of them.  i don't know if i'm ever going to be completely free of being self-conscious about the device...but i don't know that i would even want to become that complacent about it.

One of the lead girls was there tonight, and she was wearing a short skirt, stockings, and spike heels...she wasn't doing much during the rehearsal, but that's exactly the kind of outfit that gets me going, and hers was no exception (she's quite attractive as well).  There were moments tonight (especially when i was sitting there talking to her) when the only thing that kept me from having a full-on erection was the chastity device.

i'm really looking forward to seeing Mistress Katya tomorrow night.  She is on my mind constantly - yes, even when i was talking with the young woman at rehearsal Mistress was in my mind and that only added to the excitement and frustration.  i kept wondering what this actress would think if she knew that i was the owned property of a Mistress, and that i was kept locked in chastity.  She probably would have had a good laugh at my expense.

Just a quick update for now - have not been able to stop thinking about Mistress the entire afternoon, and so i'm also straining big-time against the device.  Such are the joys of being owned and locked in!

Tonight should be interesting, it's the first dance rehearsal for the show i'm rehearsing.  Lots of movement, etc. up on the stage, this should be a new experience with the chastity device.  Will update later as to how it went!

One last thing for tonight and then i must close my eyes.

i know that right now, Mistress is the only one reading this, but in case She decides to make this journal public, i am stating this for the record:

i adore my Mistress. She is wonderful to me, andnbefore meeting Her, i had pretty much given up hope in "the scene". Mistress Katya has renewed my faith, and for that and so many things i can't even keep count, i adore Her and will always strive to honor Her, please Her, and make sure She knows just how grateful i am for Her.

Holy moly...if i'm going to post at all tonight it has to be right now because i'm developing a splitting headache and i'm going to turn off the lights and lay down.

However, i must say this: the desires, both in the mornings and during the day, have come back with a vengeance.  And i had the first vivid erotic dream in almost a week, which involved being in Mistress Katya's bondage for a whole day, and being left there as She went about Her business, stopping in every once in a while to play with and torment me at Her whims.  As intense as the dream was, and as vivid and realistic as it was, i'm not sure i could handle a full day in bondage in real life.

i'm seeing Mistress on Wednesday, and i'm really looking forward to it.  Each time i see Her, the anticipation and longing grows a little bit more during the time before the next session.  i wonder how long it can keep growing and growing.  i have a feeling i'm going to find out.

i promised an update today, and here it is...after a week of being a little ill and generally feeling not so hot, this morning i woke up OK, and sexual desire was back and announced itself as a big old attempt at a morning erection!

Of course, we all know that's impossible in my current situation, but it didn't stop my body from trying!  A weaker device might have given up the ghost this morning, but not the chastity device chosen by Mistress.  i could practically hear it laughing at me (i definitely heard Her laughing!).

Things quieted down a bit after an hour or so, but we seem to be returning to normal and i expect that the desires will continue now that i'm over my bout with whatever little bug that was this past week.

OK...staying in was not a good idea. i'm hoping this is a passing thing and that when i wake up tomorrow, this mild depression is gone, but for tonight, it's here. I've been trying to distract myself, i watched a movie and even tried to get some writing done (which was partially successful) but right now i'm bored and i'm down. I think the best thing i can do is try to sleep, and that's exactly what i'm going to try and do. i'll update in the morning as to how i feel after a night's sleep.

This may a bit off-topic, but since i am not a psychologist and therefore can't say with any authority that my mood is not due in any part to the chastity regimen, so be it.

i'm in a bit of a melancholy mood today, just reflecting on many things.  i wasn't feeling well for a few days this week (the fever came back on Wednesday and Thursday, but it's gone now), so i haven't done anything social at all this week and i think that's a major reason i'm a little blue and a little lonely.  Add in the fact that over the last few months i've had a few bad experiences with some people who called themselves my "friends", and i'm still dealing with the self-doubt over who to trust and who not to.

It's not all that serious, and the mood will probably be gone by tomorrow, but such is today.

An interesting evening!

Tonight was interesting all around.  It started with me planning on leaving the house at 6:15, but getting a call from work and not being able to leave until after 6:30.  Mind you, i had a rehearsal tonight that started at 7.

Then, during the drive to rehearsal, i called Mistress Katya (She had instructed me to call Her after 6pm tonight).  Every time i speak with Mistress, or see Her, or get an email from Her, or a Twitter message, i am more and more entranced by Her.  She truly is an amazing Domme, an amazing Owner, and an amazing Woman.  She is unique...i've never met anyone like Her in my life, and i am grateful to have Her in my life and that She chooses to have me in Hers.

Finally, i arrived at the theater, about 5 minutes late.  It wasn't too bad at the beginning of the rehearsal.  We were learning more music, and we were all sitting down.  Later, we moved on to blocking, so we were up and moving around.  i was constantly reminded of the chastity device's presence, and more than once the thought ran through my brain and i wondered if it was visible ("noticeable" is a better word, i suppose).  No one seemed to react in any way, so it probably wasn't, but i will admit that the thought being there is rather exciting, and as it was a reminder that i belong to Mistress Katya made it even more so.  There's no doubt in my mind that's exactly what Mistress had in mind.  She has a wonderful way of making absolutely sure that She remains in my thoughts all the time.

i think what makes me the most nervous and at the same time excites me the most is the thought that one of these days, someone is going to notice the device and ask about it.  When that day comes, i'm not sure what my reaction is going to be.  i am proud to be Mistress Katya's, and honestly i am not in any way ashamed of it.  That's the theory at least - it's easy to say that, but i hope i have the strength of character to follow through on that day when someone notices and asks.  i would never want to deny or disappoint Mistress Katya like that...i simply wouldn't be worthy to be Hers if i did.

Not too much to report here.  i've been fighting a low-grade fever (100-101 degrees) for the last couple of days, so i've been spending a lot of time napping and watching TV (soooo bored!).  This week should be interesting though.  3 rehearsals this week!  Hopefully the costumer won't want to be taking my inseam measurement ;)

Just a quick note this morning.  Mistress, of course, was right.  She wasn't being nice by allowing me to have a release on Wednesday.  So far, both mornings since, i've woken up straining against the device.  Once the day has gotten started and i'm involved in work, it settles down and i'm fairly OK, but boy, that first sensation in the morning...

OK, so i promised that i would try to write today about last night.  It's had a chance to settle in my brain, and i can at least form coherent sentences about it now.

Mistress was so beautiful in Her latex dress and Her new thigh-high boots, which are so soft and smell so good.  She announced a few things - that i was to have a release, but that i was going to have to work for it.  After a while, She took my chin and lifted it up to make me look into Her eyes.  Then She told me that my release wasn't going to be the normal way.  She was going to take me with Her strap-on and the release would come from it hitting my prostate.  i must admit, this made me apprehensive, as i have never had that done to me before, but of course, i trust Mistress implicitly and will do anything for Her.  On top of that, the intoxicating scents of Her boots and Her hair had my flying.

After a while of sitting at Her feet and kissing Her boots, Mistress Katya used one of Her whips on my backside.  i'm not sure what the name for this kind of whip is, but it was fairly painful.  i never thought i'd get to this point, but i'm beginning to want Mistress' corporal.

After that, Mistress had me suck the strap-on as She sat in a chair.  i wasn't very good at it, but i hope that my efforts pleased Her.

Once She was finished with that, Mistress told me that She was going to give me an enema to clean me out before using the strap-on.  It was a very interesting experience - i'd never had an enema before.

As it turns out, i'm too tight at the moment for Mistress to take me with Her strap-on without causing me a great deal of pain.  i was disappointed in myself that i couldn't take it for Her, and i know She was disappointed.  Mistress then used Her fingers, but She was unable to reach my prostate.  It was quite humiliating to have these things done to me, but at the same time it was exciting because it was just a deeper proof that Mistress owns me, body, mind, and soul.

Since release through prostate massage was not possible, Mistress said She was going to take the chastity device off and i was to release through masturbation - but it was NOT going to be pleasurable.  i actually asked Her to deny me, as i did not deserve a release.

Mistress Katya looked me in the eye and laughed.  She said very softly that giving me a release wasn't being nice - a release would mean starting all over again, and the dreams and intense feelings would rush back - so really, granting a release was making things MORE difficult for me in the long run - and that was what She wanted.

i hadn't asked Mistress to deny me in an effort to make things easier, i had thought that it might please Her for me to go longer.  i need to remind myself that Mistress knows what is best and that i shouldn't try to anticipate or guess what might make Her happy - She will tell me what She wants from me.  i think that may have been the biggest lesson i learned last night.

Mistress took off the device, and had me kneel and masturbate.  i did release, and of course, Mistress was right - it wasn't pleasurable.  It sent a chill down my spine when Mistress laughed at my release and the realization that i hadn't had any pleasure out of it.  She must have known that at that moment, it became full reality that i can now only derive sexual pleasure if She allows it.  The reality of that certainly hit me like a ton of bricks - and it was a wonderful realization!  i always thought and said that i wanted to really be in the control of a Mistress and not just having sessions that went along the lines of my desires - and now i really am under Mistress Katya's complete control - and it's more amazing and wonderful to me than i could have imagined.  i know it's the place i've been looking for for so long, and i am humbled and grateful to Mistress Katya for knowing exactly what i needed, and being graceful and generous enough to guide me there. 

Thank You, Mistress Katya.  Thank You for taking me on such a journey of self-discovery, and teaching and showing me what i've always needed.

Sometimes there are just no words.

Mistress Katya allowed me to see Her tonight.  At the end, She told me to write about it here while it was still fresh in my head.  The problem with that is that i'm sitting here trying to write, and i'm still overwhelmed by the whole experience.  i sat here for 10 minutes after writing the first sentence, trying to unscramble my mind so that i could write about the session coherently.  It hasn't happened.  Each time i see Her, Mistress takes me deeper into my submission and service to Her, and tonight it was so deep that i don't know how long it will be before i can put it into words.  i know it's going to disappoint Her that i can't write about it right now...my only hope is that She realizes it's because it really was so amazing that i'm still shellshocked and dumbfounded.  i hope that getting some sleep will clear my head a little and that tomorrow morning i'll be able to write about it.

Until then, thank You, Mistress Katya, from the bottom of my heart.  You truly are everything i could ever have asked for in an owner and Mistress and more.

i got a good night's sleep last night, including a vivid dream that i was bound and tortured by Mistress Katya, and kept on Her collar and leash at Her beck and call for a full day.  However, today is bad.  i woke up with as close to an erection as the chastity device will allow, and have been supercharged ever since.  i just had a wave of it come over me, and Mistress said that when that happens i should write about it here.

i am also losing some track of time.  i had to go back and check this journal just now to see how long it's been since i last saw Mistress and was granted a release, and couldn't believe it when i saw that it's not even a week and a half!  It feels like so much longer.  i had no idea when i started this that it could be so intense.  Would i make the same choice now as i did then?  Knowing what i know now, would i still choose to give Mistress Katya supreme control over me? 

In a heartbeat.  In LESS than a heartbeat.

Mistress is guiding me on this journey, and it's already become one of the most incredible and meaningful experiences in my life.  Thank You, Mistress Katya.  The words "thank You" can't even properly express my gratitude.

Mistress said there'd be days like this

Mistress Katya said there would be days (nights, really) like this, where it would be intense and i wouldn't be able to sleep. Well, tonight is the first night that i'm finding it impossible to fall asleep. i'm terribly aroused (my nerve endings are on fire) and it's hard to belive the chastity device can take this much pressure for this long (it's been two hours pretty straight) but it's not giving, and i lay here straining. Mistress haa been constantly on my mind tonight, and i even had a thought tonight that i never expected to have. Tonight i'm actually craving the kiss of Mistress' single-tails and the welt-inducing stroke of Her cane. i never thought i'd want it, but here i am craving it. i think Mistress would be very much enjoying my suffering and insomnia if She could see it. As difficult as my chastity and my training is, i need it, and Mistress Katya instinctively knows what is best for me. It's like She's a mind reader, counselor, and guru all wrapped up together in one ravishing package. i can't even properly express how grateful i am that She came into my life.

Wow...i don't know why, but the last hour, my desires skyrocketed and things got intense!  i can't think of any real explanation.  There was nothing that seemed to trigger it, but it went through the roof.  i'm hoping to get a bike ride in after work and maybe taking my mind off it a little and working my muscles will tone things down a little.  Will report back later!  Right now i'd rate it at an 8 out of 10.

The interesting experiences just keep coming!  Last night, Mistress allowed me to go on a date with a young woman i had recently met.  Of course, i was still locked into my chastity device, and Mistress wasn't going to let me out.  Mistress Katya also has me wearing panties and stockings under my clothes every day instead of male underwear (i haven't worn male underwear in about a week), and i was required to still be wearing the panties and stockings under my clothes during the date.

The date went very well, but there were a number of times during dinner that i had to keep my mind wandering from the sensations of either the chastity device or the panties and stockings.  What made it even more difficult was that Mistress was constantly on my mind the whole time - i was reminded of Her each time i saw my date's watch - she was wearing a Hello Kitty watch (and anyone who knows anything about Mistress Katya knows She has what could be described as a mild obsession with Hello Kitty). 

All in all, it was a good night, but more difficult than a date would have been before i started to serve Mistress Katya.  The chastity device got a workout, as the young woman i was having dinner with is very beautiful and absolutely adorable, and was also wearing 4" spike heels...and i'm a sucker for a woman in heels!  i was straining against the device a good portion of the evening and part of the night too after i got home.

i do have to thank Mistress Katya for allowing me to have a date at all.  She is extremely good to me, and i care for Her a great deal.  Each and every day, there is something that deepens my desire to serve Her, please Her, and make Her life better in any way i can.

Just now, for the first time, the thought entered my head - i'm locked up, don't have the key, and don't know when Mistress Katya may allow me to have another release.  It could be weeks, months, or longer if She wants it.  i know i'd been locked up for 4 weeks prior to my last release, but this is the first time it really hit me that it could be a very long time.  In fact, Mistress is stating that it will be.  The thought is sobering, exciting, and a little scary, all at the same time...but knowing that i have an Owner who cares about me is very, very cool and makes me feel very safe and secure.

Day 3...redux

Wow...that's what i have to say.  It took a full day to come down from the high of Friday's session with Mistress Katya.  Plus, even this morning (the 3rd day, it's Monday), there were still 5 single-tail marks that were still visible on my back.  It sent chills down my spine to see them.

i've also spent my first few days in my new, smaller-sized chastity device.  Oddly enough, it's actually more comfortable than the old, larger one.  Go figure!  Mistress Katya was right though - She said that i would start being affected sooner this time - and i am.  i think that my subconscious mind must have thought after Friday that it was done with being locked up, and it's rebelling a little bit about being back in the device.  i am already feeling a pretty constant low-level stimulation (it's very low-level at this point, i can live normally but it's a reminder), and a very intense dream last night about having a very hot-and-heavy affair with a friend of mine (the friend is married, not me).  i never knew i wanted to kiss my friend Kellie that badly!  i wonder what she'd think if she knew i was having dreams about her, and also what she'd think if she knew i was locked in chastity...

Anyway, i made it through the weekend, which was interesting, to say the least.  Sunday was my niece's baptism, and it definitely felt weird being in church locked in chastity.  At least the device wasn't really noticeable in the slacks i was wearing.

A last thought...at least once a day, i think how fortunate i am, and how grateful i am, to have found such a wonderful Mistress who is leading me on what is quickly becoming a journey of self-discovery, discipline, and (for lack of a better way to put it) psychological healing.  i only hope that i can repay Her.

There are no words.

So, last night, i saw Mistress Katya.  After having the chance to say some very heartfelt things to Her, things started in earnest.  Mistress informed me that She was going to grant me a release, but that i was going to have to work for it...hard.  i was going to have to take a whipping and a caning.  i was pretty nervous about it, but i trust Mistress Katya completely, and i know that She does what She does not only for Her enjoyment (which would have been reason enough for me!), but also for my training and my improvement as both a slave and a person.

Mistress started with Her patented (or at least it SHOULD be!) Hello Kitty flogger, which She made herself.  It's cute as all get-out, but the strands are knotted and beaded - so it is heavy, and it does hurt.  After warming me up with that, She moved on to "the twins" - a pair of perfectly matched single-tails.  There were times when the sting of a lash would last for a long time - longer than i thought it could.  Finally, Mistress brought out Her cane.

This is what i had been fearing the most.  i can barely take the cane, it hurts me more than any other implement i've ever felt.  But there wasn't the slightest chance i would let myself disappoint Mistress Katya.

She informed me that i was going to take 3 on each side.  When She started, it was clear that She was going a little harder on me with the cane than She had last time.  By the 6th stroke, i was in serious pain, and i didn't know how much more i could take.  Mistress' 6th stroke would have buckled my legs and brought me to my knees if i hadn't been kneeling already.

After telling me i was a good boy, and giving me a small break, Mistress surprised me by giving me one last stroke with the cane, which hurt even more because it was a complete surprise and i didn't know it was coming.

She then had me stand and look at the marks in the mirror.  Between the cane and the single-tails, there were definitely more marks than last time.  Mistress had me turn around again, and used the flogger and the twins on me more.  At the end, Mistress said i had done well, and that She was pleased.

It was now time for my release.  Mistress had me lay on the floor, and played with my nipples while i brought myself to orgasm.  The release itself is almost impossible to describe.  It was longer, deeper, and more intense than any orgasm i've ever had.  At one point it felt like it was going on forever.  The most remarkable thing, though, was that i knew, in my mind and in my heart, that this was Mistress' orgasm, that it was Her cock, and this pleasure i was feeling was Hers.  She really did control me, and She really did own me.

Afterwards, Mistress fitted me in my new chastity device.  Very rarely, the cock would slip out of the original device.  At Mistress' instructions, i had contacted the manufacturer, and they suggested that the next size down might take care of that problem, so of course i ordered another device the next size down.  It is tighter, but so far it's paradoxically more comfortable than the original, larger device, and it does certainly seem like it is taking care of the problem.

Mistress told me She didn't know how long She was going to keep me locked for this time, and when She might grant me another release.  She said maybe never, and also that Christmas was coming.  Then She asked if i was ready to start all over.  Looking into Her eyes, i said yes, and with that, Mistress Katya clicked the lock closed, and again, i was Her slave in chastity.  i wouldn't have it any other way.

The anticipation is building...Mistress and i are meeting tonight, and i'm already not sure how i'm going to make it through the next 8 hours.  i'm also nervous about what Mistress may have planned, as She has stated "I am not going to make it easy on you whatsoever." - that has me nervous.  Not worried, mind you...i trust Mistress Katya completely and i know that whatever She has planned is for Her pleasure and for my own training.  Nonetheless, i'm nervous.  i know i've disappointed Her, and the fear of losing Her is intense.

My Merciful Mistress

i couldn't adore Mistress Katya any more than i do.  She is amazing, caring, and everything i could ever want in a Mistress. 

i have so much to say, but i am seeing Her tomorrow night, and i want to say these things in person, so She can see how sincere i really am.  Perhaps after the meeting i will post it.

Until then, i will repeat that Mistress Katya is the most amazing and wonderful Mistress, and i am honored and humbled to be Hers.

i failed

i have failed.  Things got so bad this afternoon that i couldn't even adjust my sitting position in my chair without it causing a sensation that shot right up my spine.  Imagine that every 2 minutes.  i broke down and called my Mistress to beg.

Mistress Katya was merciful, and agreed to see me tomorrow.  But i think She may also be disappointed in me.  God, i hope not.  Each day She means more and more to me, and it would kill me to disappoint Her.  Even now i am ashamed that i wasn't stronger and i begged Her.  i don't deserve Mistress.  i will plead with Her tomorrow to forgive me for not being strong enough, and i will pray that She will have mercy on me.  i can already feel a bit of depression setting in for breaking down.  It's going to be a long night, and i already feel like a heel.

i was at least partially right in my earlier post.  Hearing Mistress Katya's voice did make me want to be at Her feet 10x more than i did this morning.  i would have kept the phone call going for hours just to hear Her voice :(

So far, i have been able to resist calling Mistress back and begging, but i don't know how much longer i will last.  i've been on the edge for the whole day, and it doesn't seem to be going away.  Picture feeling the beginnings of an orgasm, that moment when you first realize it's coming, but you know the cumming is still 20 or 30 seconds away - now take that moment, and elongate it out to hours on end.  That's what i've been feeling all day.  i've been steadily at that level of stimulation and anticipation - all day long.  It's almost unbearable.

On the other hand, i could hear the enjoyment and pleasure in Mistress Katya's voice as we spoke.  Her voice is hypnotic and entrancing to begin with, but to hear Her enjoying my torment makes me want to give Her even more of that as a gift to Her.

i'm torn.  But if the day and the sensations keep going the way they are, the decision may be made for me.  i just hope that if i do break down and beg, Mistress will not be disappointed in me.

i was woken up this morning in a very interesting way.  i was awakened by Mistress' cock (i must call it that, because although it is attached to my body, Mistress controls and owns it outright) THROBBING in its prison.  It wanted to be hard, and it wanted to be hard NOW.  Of course, my chastity device won't allow that, so it just had to settle for throbbing.  An hour later, the throbbing is still on and off.  Sometimes it feels like i'm going to explode.  Sometimes it feels like i'm on the edge for minutes at a time.  Sometimes it feels like i'd hump the nearest pillow like a dog.

Mistress Katya has instructed me to call Her today to check in.  i may be at the breaking point.  i think i would be OK if i were on my own, but i have a nagging suspicion that hearing Mistress' voice will push me over the edge into begging.  She occupies my mind all the time.

Today's torment

Today is the most difficult day yet.  Everything is ultra-sensitive.  Even just moving any part of my body a little bit causes sensations.  i've been trying various ways of distracting my mind - TV on in the background, concentrating on my work, weight training.  But nothing has worked. 

If it keeps accelerating like this every day, i'll be begging Mistress Katya before the end of the week.  Each day i think it's the worst it can get, and the next day it's worse.  i don't want to beg Her prematurely, but i'm beginning to be driven to distraction, which i think is what Mistress wants.

Rest assured, if things keep going the way they are, i'll be begging by Friday.  Or before.

Renewed faith

To understand where i am, dear readers, you will need to have a little of my backstory.

i began to actively participate in "the scene" almost 20 years ago, when i was in my early 20s.  i had seen magazines, and i knew i was powerfully attracted to D/s, but i hadn't acted on it other than in my fantasies.

The first few years were good...beyond good, really.  They were exciting, everything was new, and my head was spinning.  Spinning a little too fast, i think, at least too fast to notice things.

During those first 2 or 3 years, my sessions were less frequent.  i was a young adult just starting out, and couldn't afford a lot of sessions.

After those first few years, i began to notice that the connection between myself and the Mistresses i had seen (or was seeing) wasn't really there, and the connection was what i was craving most of all.  i wanted to know that this wasn't just a job for them, that they did care about me, and most of all, that they were enjoying themselves too, and it wasn't just "work".  But that wasn't really there, and i lost both my faith and my enjoyment, and i stopped.

Probably about 6 or 7 years later, i decided to try again.  i don't really know why.  It followed a very similar pattern, just a shorter one this time - it only took a few months for me to lose my faith and enjoyment this time around.

i gave it one more try in my mid-30s, with the exact same result.  After 3 tries, over the course of 12 or 13 years, i had really lost all faith and enjoyment in the scene, and gave it up, i thought, for good.

So much for the backstory.

A few months ago, i came across an ad for a fetish event that was going to be held so close to my house i could walk there if i wanted to.  i decided to give it a go.  i thought that, at worst, i could go, have a few drinks, take in some sights, and then go home.

It was at this event that i saw the magnificent Mistress Katya, and even got up the courage to speak to Her.  She was stunningly beautiful, and exuded power and confidence.  She wasn't faking it - i could tell that Her power and confidence was an innate part of Her being, and psychically it was like being hit with a sledgehammer.  i didn't stay late at this party, but it turns out it was a very big turning point for me.

i contacted Mistress Katya not long after that, and met Her.  It was powerful.  It was palpable.  Mistress Katya was real.  She wasn't playing at it, this was who She was.  At first, i didn't let myself believe it fully.  i had fooled myself into thinking that before about other Mistresses, and had been disappointed each time.  i had just gone through a very rough time (emotionally) in my life, and i was fragile.  But the more i spoke with Mistress Katya, the more all those doubts were burned away.  By the end of our first meeting (and it wasn't even a session, it was just an introductory meeting), i knew in my heart She was the real thing.  It also didn't hurt that She was gorgeous, and beyond cute (those are two different things - you can be gorgeous and not cute, and you can be cute and not gorgeous.  Mistress Katya is one of the few women in the world i have ever seen that is BOTH).  i knew i had to give it another try.

i can hardly even express how happy i am that i did.  Every contact, every email, phone call, meeting, session, everything - i fall more and more deeply into Mistress Katya's control and under Her spell.  She is transcendent - unlike any other Mistress, unlike any other woman i have ever known.  i knew after that first meeting that i wanted to give myself to Her, to be Hers, and that with Her, i could have all those things i had been looking for all along. 

Mistress Katya has restored my faith, not just in the scene, but in people.  i know this probably sounds ridiculous, but it is the truth.  She means the world to me, and i will spend my days, as long as She will have me, in an attempt to show Her just how grateful i am that She accepted me, and that i have Her in my life.

i know...

i know i've been posting a LOT the last week or so, but it's because the experiences are coming fast and furious.

Today, every little sensation is a turn-on.  My shirt rubbing against my nipples (i don't know how i made it on the ride home from Starbucks, it was so bad).  The feel of the fabric of my jeans brushing up against my leg.  The leather fabric of my chair against my arm.  Every part of me is hypersensitive and my head is spinning.  If i didn't work from home, i'd be in serious trouble.  i'm barely keeping it together as it is, and all the sensations are pushing me closer to the edge.  It was an hour and a half before i could get out of bed this morning, my skin was so sensitive to any touch.

i hope this passes and it gets easier as time goes on!